Etcetera

Writing first.

Hera launches next week.

Grim Port is with my beta. I keep forgetting to check in over the past week. Grim Haven is halfway through the first edit and I’m not sure how effective I have been this time around but I’ve got stuff going on.

I’m shifting my plan there to produce a box set of the Reaping in April, then (hopefully) I’ll have Grim ready to go for May to July. That’s how months work, right?

Given recent events, I’ve been trying to dial back on writing but it’s my go to for everything. The only reason I tried dialing back on it was because that’s all I can dial back on.

I had a week off of work then it was canceled, then I was promised as many days as my boss could manage off. She delivered, which I have to say is surprising for my company. It took three days for me to start to unwind but it was only a sart.

My oldest cat passed away on Saturday, which leaves me obviously upset.

It and how much I’m struggling daily leads me to believe I’m mentally unstable. Not in a hurt someone or myself type of way. At least, not physically. No, this is the kind of unstable that takes a strip off someone for taking the last brownie in the cafeteria at school even though I’m back on my diet and am determined to stick to it.

The vindictive little bitch, I think I’ve heard people call it.

Not too many people realize that the ‘moodiness’ people see that appears to be for no reason is really for no reason. The person dolling it out is probably having a freaking breakdown, they’re struggling to hold onto whatever ground they have and can feel it slipping through their fingers.

I need time and to take a step back but as I said, stepping back from the writing didn’t work. I did try, really, I casually world built as I went along and now am writing again. Whole different project there, an entire story to go along with it.

So I’ve sat down and looked at my options for what I can do and it really comes down to to.

Quit school or quit work.

I am halfway through my program and, when done, can get an office job the likes of which sound mildly entertaining but also a lot less stressful. My program is for medical based offices and getting into a medical office is super exciting for me. Why? I don’t know.

At work I am still part-time and feel like the others are pulling away. They don’t want to know what I have to say on a topic and would rather do it their way or do things which doesn’t sound like how the company wants things done but is a grey area so I’m certainly not going to fight them on it.

I don’t have the energy for it.

I’m tired of that fight with difficult team members. I don’t have the energy. All I really want to do is whip out my mother’s special tone of voice and say, “look, we’ve been over this, you need to do your job.”

But I’m still sane enough to know that’s not right.

Two opportunities have presented themselves. When the first appeared I was like yes that’s me, pick me, pick me, pick me.

Now I’m not so sure. Am I ready for the change? Yes. Can I handle the change? Yes. Am I afraid of the change?

Yes, but I’m afraid I’ll be chosen, take it, and regret it later.

The other opportunity, is almost the same. I’m not quite ready for the change. I can handle the change, considering I can handle almost anything. And I’m petrified of the change because I worry I’ll get out there and not be perfect.

Whoopdeefreakingdo, you aren’t perfect.

Welcome to being human.

So while I’m off in my corner, having a bit of a meltdown and waiting for a few things to slide into place or work out or… whatever… I have no idea what’s going on, which way is up, or the time.

Ah fuck, I’m late for school.

Plan Changes

I need to change my publishing plan.

I have the books written, I’m trying to edit them, but it’s not going so well. Hera will be done in time, but the Grim trilogy is barely started and I don’t want to rush on through it. So. That’s got to change so I can relax a little.

Work, school, writing, cover design.

I’ve got a lot on my plate.

The plan was ambitious, it was meant to give me a lofty goal and it was something I desperately wanted. But it’s not something I can do right now.

So I’m going to finish the edit of Hera. I think on the side as a breather, I will take chapters of The Others and rewrite them. If I don’t go exclusive, I can publish on Amazon and all the rest. There will, of course, be additions to the book. I’m hoping to do about double the word count. It’ll include expanding on the smut, of course, and possibly adding a few chapters.

It’s just something I’ve been thinking about for a while, and doing this is kind of like a me thing I can do.

This means the publication dates of all books have been pushed forward except Hera.

In the real world something came up. It was the thing that, going into school I said if it ever happened I would quit school and do that instead. So, when it came up, I ventured forward.

Only to be told it was never going to be an option. Not because I wouldn’t qualify or could be trained for this opportunity but because that, while, yes, this thing had happened, the opportunity no longer exists.

Changes happen everywhere, all the time. Supposedly it’s a sign of progress. My guy… suppose I should name him. Uh, let’s call him Flynn. Obviously not his real name, anyhow. When the opportunity came up, I needed someone… or four… to talk to. It’s kind of a big deal, even if I had made the decision back before school started.

When it fell through Flynn said something like, “okay, so, your plans just stay the same.”

I went through my day, got home, and started crying in the shower.

Okay, so I guess I wanted to go through that opportunity more than I had expressed. It would mean leaving school, which would mean a significantly shorter week for me. More time for editing, art, doing what I want to do. I wouldn’t be stretched so thin.

I wouldn’t be tired all the time.

All.

The.

Time.

And the thing is, yeah, I considered not writing because it’s extra work. But the writing is filling in gaps. A break here, two hours between work and school there. It gives me something to strive for and something that is a me thing. It’s a reminder that I’m doing all this for something just like the opportunity.

Something that, once I’m in it and there, I can focus less on editing, formatting, cover design, because I could finally afford to hire out. Then instead of being all stressed out about getting a cover done, or getting it positioned just right, I can relax more.

Quality would improve, time would be found. I could do so much more.

That’s why I’m doing all this.

Checking sales each morning and keeping track of them helps keep me sane. It’s a regular structure that never changes.

Unless I have no sales.

Editing over coffee gives me something besides the next year of exhaustion to focus on.

New fountain pens is weirdly getting me through this heart wrenching time. Heart wrenching isn’t a term a normal person would use, but I’m super not normal. So, there’s that.

There is a slight possibility that I will be obtaining a fountain pen that was a special edition a couple of years ago and is Mr. Wrightworth purple.

I’m going to be getting two more fountain pens so I can have three colours on the go. Then I can take my notes and do world creation and start the writing journal I want to make. The pens/markers I have now are very narrow and it’s hurting my hand to do writing.

When I got the fountain pen it was like a freaking revelation. Suddenly I enjoyed writing things out by hand. I haven’t enjoyed that in years. I’ve looked at it with distaste because of the ache.

The co-worker who gave me the pen suggested those little triangular foam bits that children use as grips on their pens and pencils to teach them to grip it properly. It’s a fantastic idea and I’ll look into it but I don’t want to attach them to the markers I use at school because they won’t fit into my binder cover. The other option is to swap them out from marker to marker and suddenly I’m tugging on markers constantly when I’m already getting looks because whenever I have to open a marker I look like a crazy person who has never seen a pen before.

Basically, I have to wrap my hands around the cap and then the end but not while making a fist with my right hand, just kind of using half my hand and then tug and wiggle until it comes off.

Except I’ve got this thing about sudden changes and such so when it pops off I always look super surprised. Like I just discovered that these stick things open and there’s stuff inside them.

So, to go along with the Mr. Wrightworth purple, I’m going to be getting an apple green pen. It’s an odd choice for me, but of all the colours offered that’s the one I like best. Which is weird. You’d think I’d go for black or blue. Maybe even a nice white to pair with the black one I already have.

Mr. Wrightworth purple and witchy green.

See, that cheers me up and there’s no way to explain the why.

For inks I’m getting a sample of true turquoise, which is just luscious, Moss Green, and … I don’t recall the exact name, but I think it’s Dragon Rage orange.

There’s also a chance the purple pen will come with a Mr. Wrightworth purple ink.

Little things.

I’m already trying to buy all the inks. When the co-worker talked to me about inks and we reached three he said, “and…”

And I said, “No, that’s it. I do not need to hoard ink. I want all the ink, but I don’t need the ink so three will work for now.”

Hera Update

The first edit of Hera is done. Yay.

My laptop is acting up, like it hasn’t got enough memory to run Grammarly. The next edit is to try out a new program. But today I’m taking some time to try a cover design out for it.

I could order a cover and I’m still seriously considering doing that, but I need to tell her what to do.

Therein lies a problem.

So I’m slapping something together. See how it looks, burn it to the ground, and try again.

Need to sort out the laptop to use it for the next edit. Word has been acting funny, shutting down without warning, and it keeps dumping things into the cloud and then claiming it can’t merge the files from the cloud even though I only used the laptop for the files in question…?

Apparently, I need to go back to USBs. I like the convenience of the cloud, but it’s being a bugged out piece and I just can’t have it doing this. It could lose necessary information and that’s bad.

With a little luck, I will have a pre-order set up sometime tonight.

With luck.

This morning, I woke up feeling good. It’s been a long time since I felt good. I’ve been in pain about … frig, I don’t even know. It might have been the start of December. The last two weeks or so my knuckles have been red. Even holding my phone hurt.

I have to be careful about what I take because I overreact to medication. We don’t need to be chasing my floating self through the aisle at work. But yesterday it got so bad I felt I had to go home, so I went to my purse to take something and realized I forgot my pills.

Note: these are just OTC ibuprofen and acetaminophen. I don’t have a doctor so I have to self-medicate.

Anyhow. Cue me swearing until I remembered a little ‘first aid’ pack a co-worker gave me when I called her a pain in the ass. There were both in there, so I took one of each, got curious, and googled the ibuprofen brand.

It was Aleve, which is not ibuprofen.

But an hour later the red in my knuckles was gone. I was so pale that I had an entirely different concern, but I didn’t have as much pain. Oh, I still ached. I didn’t realize how freaking much I ache. But the pain had gone down to a throb.

So I’m now on a quest to find Aleve in town. Pharmacies in Canada don’t display what they carry on their websites, which is frustrating for me, but I get it.

Because I felt good when I got home is likely why I completed Hera instead of wrapping up in a blanket and grumbling at the cats for the night. It’s why I went looking for a cover and figured that all out, sorted it out, and maybe came up with a plan. One I hope will work.

This morning I took another Aleve and felt good but the cold caused an ache in my right hand so I paired it with an acetaminophen. There’s a frustrating ache in my right hand but otherwise I still feel good.

When still being in pain is a good day… ugh.

Trying to source CBD but the store is constantly out and I don’t want THC. That helps the anxiety and the pain.

Which would all mean getting more work done. It’d mean less grumbling at the cats while wrapped up in a blanket.

Maybe clean my room. Organize some so that if it came time, I could have the new guy visit and not be worried that he thought I was some kind of slob. I’m not, honest.

It’s just the idea of cleaning when I’m hurting is too much to bear and when you have to decide whether your energy goes to getting through the day, or is split between that and cleaning, it just… it just doesn’t happen.

When Anxiety Walks In

This weekend was not fun for me.

I was supposed to go to a movie with the new guy on Saturday but he cancelled about twenty minutes before for a migraine. Cue the crazy voices. I was having a good day but the second I saw that message, my heart sank in my chest and I almost started crying in the parking lot of the movie theater.

I almost went in anyways, but we were supposed to meet for dinner before the movie and none of the movies spoke to me in that way besides one that had just premiered a couple of days previous, which meant it would have been packed.

So, I bucked the fuck up, turned the car back on, and drove to a McDonalds to get dinner even though I know I shouldn’t eat there.

I let people know it was cancelled, my aunt and  a friend. The friend invited me out to a church function, I declined on the basis that I was super insecure, the voices were really loud, and I was feeling quite self-pitying.

Basically, I assume this is the beginning of the end. Except the end will come up quickly.

He wants to meet for dinner tonight and after I asked him to walk me back to my car after he gave me his first choice, he changed the location to a place with a parking lot right beside it.

You have to understand, in my life this means he’s not planning on walking me back to the car, or anywhere after.

And then this morning he disappeared from online right before he knew I would be up. He hasn’t been back on since, which is outside of his regular pattern.

You know what those are?

Those are crazy people thoughts.

Driving into school today caused quite an anxious mood. I’m not sure if I’m going home after school or staying, because it was just so bad that I’m not sure I’d make it back in for dinner.

I spent my weekend playing video games and basically wrapped up in a blanket feeling sorry for myself. I don’t like feeling sorry for myself, but there it is.

Yesterday, I finally talked myself into doing some edits. Except, I did it by playing Minecraft in creative mode and doing edits at night. Halfway through the day, I realized the monsters don’t attack in creative mode.

But I also got a quarter of the book done, so I’ve got that going for me.

I have a test today and I’m pretty certain I’m going to fail/get a bad mark. That’s adding to my anxiety. I have a writing course today. Somehow that is adding to my anxiety. My last assignment I got 90% on and I feel like a total failure.

I got 90% on it.

I hate when I have to argue with myself over mundane things. It’s a good grade, it’s a fantastic grade. The average grade of the class is probably 70%, if not 80%. I got a good mark.

Tell the voices in my head that.

Oh, and the Ontario government has made changes to OSAP so I’m not even certain if I’m covered for next year. As in, I don’t even know if I’d qualify for a student loan under their whatever-in-the-fuck ‘improvement’ these people have made to the OSAP program which only benefits the richest students.

Fuck.

So, that’s got me annoyed and a little anxious because money, and because the trip to Mexico would have paid for my last semester at the school. Had I known they were going to be assholes.

One. It’s non-refundable.

Two. I still really want to go.

I’m just pissed at this petty feud the Conservatives and Liberals have at the expense of students and taxpayers. One comes in and changes the laws that the other one had brought in, wasting time. Then one (either side, really) makes a step in the right direction and the other one turns into a petty little bitch and reverses it.

You legalized pot, you’ve got plenty of money you greedy cunts.

So, doubly can’t quit my job even though I want to, and I have to work full-time hours through the summer (if I can get them) because I now need to prepare to pay for my schooling on my own because the government has decided that educating people to raise their income, which would raise up the economy, is somehow a bad idea.

But, hey, those $1 beer and the stripping of sexual education back to, “when a man loves a woman very much…” was totally worth it. /sarcasm

Update

The read edit of Harvest is done, I’m about halfway through putting the edits into the book. I had been hoping to have it done by today, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’ve also re-written the introduction for Hera and edited it, so it can slip right in there once it’s done.

I’m thinking in covers, but I’m thinking in covers instead of words because of the pain I’m in.

Turns out, I can’t shovel a driveway. It wasn’t even that big of a spot! Just the end of the driveway so I could get my car out to go to work early. My back, hips, and shoulders put me in absolute agony.

So, for less than it takes to fill half my tank (I found out on Saturday) I put myself in agony that hasn’t stopped yet. And trust me, I’m not feeling like it’s worth it or that I did a good thing. I wound up leaving work Saturday night so I actually lost hours last week.

Yay.

If it weren’t for having this weird ‘saving bot’ attached to my account, I’d be in full panic mode over Christmas right now. What with the money situation and my stress over spending money.

Almost everyone is getting alcohol. Sure, I wish I could do, like, handmade, thoughtful gifts, but I just don’t have the time, energy, or thought process to figure it all out. This morning, though, I had that weird flickering.

It’s been years since I bought a gift for someone and they actually reciprocated, and money isn’t raining off trees or anything of that sort for me. So there’s this voice at the back of my mind being a petty little bitch and saying I’ll get nothing.

Naw, voice, I got a bottle of rum.

Why rum? Because it seemed like a holiday drink type of thing. And eggnog. And hot chocolate. White rum in a hot chocolate is quite divine. But also, it was part of a package deal the liqour store was having. Purchasing gifts put me in just below the of four by like $6 so… basically I got rum for $6.

And I don’t plan to drink it all myself. Still have tequila and a bottle of wine left. It’s some good wine too, a pinot noir.

I keep forgetting to ask if they do stockings.

But I should really do my own stocking. I mean, I have certain traditions and traditions and rituals are important when you’re stressed out. So I should fill my own stocking. It’s all really basic stuff, but still.

Yeah, I should do that.

I’ve got a couple of presents left to get but my little saving bot has more than I will need. Which is good. That means I’ll just leave the money there for next year. You don’t have to spend everything you save up for Christmas. For all I know one of the cats might explode come January and I’ll need money for that.

Although the saving bot wouldn’t have enough to do that, but it’d go a long way to making me not lose my freaking mind.

School ends next week. Our last day of class is Tuesday, then it’s tests the rest of the week. Only five in total and I think we’ve reached the point where I’m obtaining a good grade no matter what, so I’ve got that going for me.

On Friday we’re having a pot luck, of course all the instructors were invited. They claimed we are their favourites and for the most part we haven’t believed that because instructors are like parents, they aren’t supposed to play favourites.

The other junior class (is for a slightly different program than us, but same core) argues among themselves and are negative toward one another. There are definitely little groups that work well together. I’ve witnessed a thing or two where I was shocked by the response I saw but it didn’t really alter my view of the instructor because I felt the animosity coming from the students.

The senior class (of our program) is… uh… they are fractured. We spoke to one briefly at lunch. She’s not the sort I’d want to work with. As soon as I saw her, I fought back a grimace, but I shut up and let her talk. She coughed phlegm on the floor and was like, ‘oh well,’ to which one of my friends looked absolutely furious, but in the defense of the friend, this  person very nearly coughed that on her. I’d be furious too.

She had nothing really positive to say. She had a job from the end of first year. In a clinic. So, doing the thing she was training to do. And she had nothing positive or nice to say. She hasn’t even graduated yet and she already sounds like she’s a decade in at a bad job.

Apparently most of our job is babysitting doctors and being their eyes.

She said as if there were no otherworldly outcome of her job. Not even like the wage (or salary) is worth the effort of getting out of bed in the morning.

Now, she’s still working said job. So it’s possible that she’s burnt out between the two of them. Maybe she was having a bad day but it just… I’ve seen her in the halls before and I don’t feel like that’s the answer. I feel like she’s always like that. A little negative and a little bitter and just wearing on the ego and psyche.

She’s not my friend though, so there’s that.

Rumour is, on our last math test someone wrote “I don’t know” on a 25pt question. Like, a quarter of the test and you just write it all off. One of my friends tried and is stressing because she didn’t get the same answer, but I think I know how she messed up and it was in the last step. I keep telling her 24/25 isn’t bad.

Especially compared to the rumour.

Courses for next semester aren’t available yet. But thanks to the one from the senior class we know there’s a presentation class.

I’m going to be a freaking administrative professional. Know the impolite term for my job? Secretary.

Why does a secretary need to know how to do presentations? Why do I need to do a presentation?

Fear of public speaking, I’ve never been good at that sort of thing. Crap, but I suppose as an indie author I could use that skill in many different ways.

This is the point where I sigh loudly and tell them to lay it on me.

Found an instructor and who I think is a senior student in the bathroom gossiping about a student in my class. It wasn’t anything bad at all, but ladies, come on. Suffice to say, said student is making an impression. I had a flare of jealousy because I am human, darn it, sometimes that icy heart of mine expresses emotion.

And then it faded away.

Look, I can spend my time being bitter and grumpy about the fact that someone else is being noticed, or I can shut up and take notice myself. She’s being noticed in a positive way. How can I learn from her to also be noticed in a more positive light instead of being the person whose only interesting fact or claim to fame are nineteen published books that don’t pay the bills?

Over the Christmas holiday I’m still in the shop, but I’ve been asked to take a step back. Not allowed to fix or change anything. I assume I did something wrong, but the boss didn’t say what so I’m not going to pursue it.

I don’t even get that feeling of accomplishment now, so I’ve basically stopped caring.

Oh, I’m doing the work. I’m still out producing everyone else. There’s just no way to shut that down, and since I can stay in the back when I keep up on production, that’s what I’m doing. But since I don’t actually receive any compensation for working harder… and it’s not going to be reflected on my record. It’s not going to determine a better pay increase… Why?

This isn’t the first time the company has expected more of me for the same amount. I feel like they’re counting down until I’m gone and they can replace me with someone cheaper.

It’s twelve months, by the way.

I just… I don’t feel like the company cares that I’ve served loyally for such and so many years, or that they can rely on me to pick up the pieces when three out of five managers suddenly quit. Or the store manager goes on leave and no one else will step up to fill the role temporarily, or someone calls in sick half an hour before her closing shift because she knows I’m the only one in.

Stuff goes wrong, my company turns to me instead of others in the store and I keep saying I’m just going to let them sink but then I wind up doing it anyhow.

I need time off. I need a break. I mean, the last vacation I got was back in May. Normally I take two weeks about six months apart. So, I suppose I should be thankful I haven’t gone full feral and started chewing my own leg off.

But what I get is maybe two days a week, Mondays and Tuesdays, because I set up my availability that way. Because I need the money and because …. stupid. Just freaking stupid. Stupid and stupid some more.

376 days to the end of my program. To a better job, which pays better and expects less of me, that’s challenging in a new way.

I need to look into an actual vacation. Wonder how much it would cost to head to P.E.I. for a week. Not right now, I’m not setting foot on that bridge until spring. If I went in a tent it’d probably be super cheap.

Then again, if I can’t shovel a driveway, I probably can’t pop a tent.

Stupid, broken body.

Update

I’m definitely coming down with a cold. So exhausted even while in bed.

This weekend just killed me creatively. I had to look at my plan and then put the entire thing on hold. Turns out, I’m working full-time hours around school. Now, I can’t put either of those on hold. If I did that with work it would require stepping down and, frankly, I need the hours. So I’m going to take them where I can.

And school holds the promise of  a position with regularly scheduled hours that don’t increase around the holidays (though I know it’ll be hectic around them) that comes with benefits and a pay increase. So, I need to pay attention there and do as well as I can.

Which leaves, as I stated before, the writing to suffer.

My plan for the year has to go on hold. Grim Travels is seven chapters in and I basically have to stop. I’m still going to aim for 50k words to ‘win’ NaNoWriMo, but  I don’t think I’ll actually make it.

Starting tomorrow, I’m back to doing the read edit of Harvest. Once I’m done that, I’ll likely return to Grim Travels, which I want done still. With the Grim trilogy written I will turn to editing.

Edit Hera, and the Grim Trilogy. Then I’ll see where I’m at and how it’s going. I could just launch right into editing Nate’s Story. If I can arrange for all of them, I think I’m one project shy of publishing a something each month next year. That’s still not bad. That’s nothing to thumb my nose about.

Because I’m sick and I’m tired and I’m just not feeling well, I’ve started reading some old stories. And when I say old, I mean old. Like a decade ago?

I like the stories, I hate the writing. I want to re-write the stories because I want to read them in proper form.

Except, that’s a stupid thing to do, right? Re-write a story just so I can read it? Pfft.

So I may, maybe, work on that instead of new books after the Grim Trilogy is complete. I would really like to write Dire Consequences (D.o.t.A 3) but I need to figure out how and where and what. So, basically everything except the plot has to be figured out. Maybe next August, or July? I just don’t know right now.

But my plan has shifted and changed. Editing is much less work for me, though it’s also more at the same time, if that makes sense? It takes more out of me to write than it does to edit. Editing, at least, I can put down and come back to later without worrying about losing my place. And, this way, I get that backlog almost cleared out.

I just want to sleep the whole day away.

For some reason I suddenly feel like I should do that with a bucket… ew.

Grim Update Two

I am coming down with a cold, an arthritis flare up started, and a blizzard is expected today. To say I’m not having a good week is about right. I mean, a good writing week. The blizzard isn’t helping matters.

Considering the college isn’t closing and work isn’t closing and we’re expecting 20 – 25 cm of snow (that’s something like 8 – 10 inches for you Americans out there) and the clearance on my car is more like 15cm (or about 6 inches).

“Don’t approach shop lifters, your life is more important than our product.”

“Even in a blizzard you are working, people still need craft supplies.”

No, no, you can’t say the one and then not the other. But it basically amounts to: my work doesn’t want us getting injured on the property but if we die on the way there or out again that’s our own fault even though I’ve had managers in the past threaten to write me up because the snow was hip deep on a full grown man (who was not short) and my car literally could not move.

I mean, it could rock back and forth, of course, but that’s as far as it got.

So, I’m drained from the cold and the pain from the arthritis and when the anxiety started… I was done with this day before I left the house.

I don’t have the option of calling in to work. (see above)

I didn’t have the option of not coming to school. Apparently, a few years ago, the person in charge of all that didn’t shut down the school until taxis and buses also shut down. So there were stranded students sleeping at the school because they had nowhere to go.

I don’t care if we live in Canada, screw you if you do that. Especially with threat of docked marks, black marks on our records, or write ups.

A lot of people are like, “oh, just get a hotel room for the night.”

Do you know how much I make?

Basically, not only do you want me to risk my life, you now want me to pay you so I can work.

I don’t make enough in a shift to pay for a hotel room, I don’t make enough in three freaking shifts to pay for a hotel room. Or a motel room. Or a freaking dog house. Can’t sleep in my car, that’s a good way to die. Can’t spend the night at work because if you do, even if you can’t physically leave the parking lot, you’re fired.

This is so freaking stupid.

The closer you get to the Bay of Fundy, the worse the snowfall will get. Guess who lives closer to the Bay of Fundy.

I’d have no problem if it was 10 cm. I mean, I’d be a little anxious about driving, but I’d know I was getting home.

And with the co-worker gone, I’m now responsible for running her area through peak season. Which means I’m not getting days off. I’m not getting any sort of a break over my winter break.

I look worn out and it’s so fucking stupid. But, hey, at least the store doesn’t suffer and they don’t lose money.

Sometimes I really hate humans. And stupid greed.

Just running that position through peak is stressful, if you want to keep up on things. I can run it and keep it ahead and on time throughout, but I’ve walked into someplace that’s behind and is continually behind. And I’m already struggling to right things because it’s like any change, no one wants to do it but I’ve got sixteen freaking balls in the air and a seventeenth was added.

At some point, I’m probably going to end up saying, “I don’t care what you think. Do it the company way.”

Except it’d probably come out more like, “I don’t care what you think. Do it the company way.”

I have seventeen balls in the air so the first thing to take a hit would be my writing. And it has, I’m exhausted, though it could just be from the pain and the cold draining me. I don’t get time between school and work because I head to work and start right away because I have to devote as much time as possible.

If it was functioning, yes, a manager wouldn’t be needed. But to get it functioning, you need a full-time manager or people who are willing to change when you say something.

“This is the expectation…”

… I just looked out the window and witnessed what looked like our student body president walking into the school in knee high boots and a skirt that came down to about mid-thigh in a blazer that was open and a blouse underneath. Head down, clearly cold.

But at least you’re fashionable, woman. That’s all that really matters.

Ugh, I’m super anxious and tired and that’s making me bitter and cranky.