Tag: episode

Struggling

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

I’m having a bad mental health week. It’s mainly a bunch of events which are toppling on top of one another, and because I’m so self-critical, the first couple wore me out, and then my problems compounded the actual problems.

Which all ends up meaning that all I want to do is sleep.

My student grants were absolutely gutted by OSAP, I received maybe a quarter of what I did last year when I had a higher income. Oh, and one of my grants from that province might have also been retroactively turned into a loan. Not because I don’t meet the criteria for the grant I was given but because.

I wasn’t taking any loans, I was only taking grants. It’s not necessarily about pride, it’s about how I know I’ll feel once I get out of school and have to pay off yet another debt. It’s bad enough I was living in said province and in poverty despite making well above minimum wage because of the cost of living. Bad enough I’m deeply in debt because I had to buy food while in said province and it was either on my credit card or going hungry.

But, hey, let’s suddenly change the rules and change this, so I have to pay it back even though that’s not the agreement we entered in the first place.

That, of course, led into a conversation with my boss where I told her about my grant situation and how I needed the hours from the start of last year (basically whatever I could get) because my funding has been gutted. Except my hours are suddenly being cut with no explanation.

And, frankly, I’m not going to ask. At this point, it’s a whatever. Yet again this company is not keeping its verbal agreement and, yet again, I’ve had no advance warning or talk before it happened. Fine. Whatever.

Except it also means I can’t pay my full board to my relatives because I do need food and gas to get to and from school and I know we agreed what I could afford but they’ve been receiving the same amount for the last year, so it’s come as an expectation but my next pay, at this point, would barely cover the boarding price, let alone anything else I may need.

So, a job opening came up, and I applied and had an interview yesterday. I did well until they reached the self-critical questions because I’m very critical of myself and “I’m a fucking idiot” is not an acceptable answer in an interview. And I reviewed these things with myself beforehand, but I fumbled, freaking fumbled.

It would have been a perfect job too. Described as data entry with a bit of research.

That’s my bread and butter. It’s basically what writing and editing are. Data entry and a bit of research, and what happens when I make a mistake?

I pretty well beat myself into a puddle and a mess.

So… probably not getting that job. It would have worked around my current job too which means my income would have gone up instead of down and I would be in the field I’m training for instead of being in the wrong field while in school.

Gawd, it would have been amazing.

So, all that was hanging over my plate after my bad mental health week.

One of the places I want to go has a medical checklist. I get it, I understand why I need it filled out. But I have no doctor because I’m an orphan patient. So… I started calling around to walk-in and after-hours clinics. You know, the places people like me go when they have a problem.

Turns out none of them will even look at the form. I told them it was school leading into work and they still won’t do it. I contacted the health network, and they seemed confused because I should have been able to go into any walk-in and get that done. I asked for specifics and gave them the names of the things requested, and they gave me some language to use and a specific clinic to go to.

The clinic is almost half an hour drive away, but you know what? If it gets done.

Oh, and that also appeared over my plate after my bad mental health week.

All happening as a personal thing is going down and I’m crying over it. Not because I’m sad, but because my system is just so overwhelmed it’s like “Fuck you, I’m shutting down.”

I haven’t had a week this bad in a very, very long time, and for that I’m grateful. But it’s definitely causing other problems.

Last night I had dinner with new people, and it’s this group that gathers once a month and is part of an association. I wanted to join them last year but couldn’t because I couldn’t get a day off once a freaking month to go. So that caused some anxiety, but it ended up being good. The only issue was that it was at the end of everything else. Everything else happened, and then I went to this dinner.

But the dinner was good. Except for the part where I didn’t talk to very many people because all I wanted to do was curl up in the corner and weep because my system is still in overload.

I did not cry.

Good for me.

As I was driving home last night, I was utterly exhausted. I showered and went to bed only to wake up this morning feeling like I had woken from a fever, except the fever hasn’t broken? It’s not that relief of a fever breaking. Everything is aching, and my head is full of clouds, and the only feeling I’m sure of is being cold and being tired and wondering who beat me up while I was sleeping.

I don’t recall any dreams. All I know is that Darius, one of my cats, climbed onto my face and then checked on me several times as I tried to fall back asleep. He ended up sleeping curled against my neck and face for several hours. The rest of my night was sleep, just sleep, near as I can tell.

So I shouldn’t feel this way.

Today, I’m basically waiting on a rejection letter. I’m expecting it, but it’s not going to feel any better when it arrives. Because I know my mood at the moment, I’ve made certain a game is up to date on my laptop, and that’s what I’ll be doing today. Playing the game instead of trying to edit or write because I just… I can’t right now, no matter how much I want to.

I have three books to edit, and I really want to get them done. Dire Consequences is what I’m in the middle of, but I want to get into Contract Sealed. I just feel like I could use some Mr. Wrightworth right now.

Progress

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Grim Port is up for pre-order, the file complete. Grim Haven is about halfway through the read edit, I’m still hoping to have it done tomorrow, and to start Grim Travels tomorrow.

After that I don’t know what I’m doing. I plan to take a couple weeks off and such…

Mr. Wrightworth is up and wants to play more with Will. I think I have him on the hook to do edits and re-writes for Nate’s Story as that is my desire, to finish with that and publish it. Then the novella for Mr. Wrightworth which segways into Will’s story, then rewrite Will’s Story into probably three books, at least one more though to make it work, then on to Contract Gifted to expand that into at least one full book. Then to wrap it all up with a book about how Mr. Wrightworth got out of the slum at which point the entire series is wrapped up and ends with his birth name being revealed.

I don’t know why, that’s just always been the shifting ending.

I also want to write D.o.t.A. book three, which is a Morgan and Rachel story with more smut than book one.

But I need to put the vampires to bed for a bit first.

My problem is: I think I have an episode coming on. Extreme stress, frustration, and being overworked does it to me. This is, I think, the first in a year, but it messes with my memories. I was hoping if it happens, it happened around my relatives so I could get an actual freaking recording of it to submit to a doctor.

You know, to get properly treated.

I’m concerned about it because suddenly it’s on my mind. I almost never think of them. And something I’m taking helps with anxiety, sleep, and supposed to treat the conditions I may have but have no proof to give to a medical professional for. The brain’s a funny thing. So, in theory, it shouldn’t happen.

But if it does, it will be in the next week and I won’t be home.

If it happens at school I’ve got two ex-nurses in the class, I should (in theory) be covered there. Except I think if it’s a seizure, even though it wouldn’t be a physical thrashing type, they would call an ambulance and I can’t afford the bill right now.

If it happens at work I’m going to get two middle fingers up in the air and will have to work through it. I would reach out and have someone pick me up after as I don’t think I’ve ever driven after an episode and I’m not about to try now.

Work changed my schedule, took away my every other Sunday off until I don’t know when. I’m working mornings as well. I don’t know why. I can assume it’s because of vacations but someone is coming in to cover the other vacation so I’m not understanding why this person who is covering isn’t working all the shifts to give me a day off.

I kind of mentally clocked out when I found out I wasn’t getting another day off. I do recall something about it not being fair to the others.

What about fair to me?

I can’t argue for my day off though. I feel like if I do I’ll be asked to step down. I’ll be reduced to minimum wage and have to open my availability and work my hours to make what I do on a reduced hour schedule. I can’t advocate for myself because I’d be reduced to a normal part timer, is what I feel.

Except I’d still be expected to do the things I do now, and wind up training my replacement while making minimum wage.

To me that doesn’t sound fair. And when I feel like that, I’m more likely to have an episode. It breaks my brain when I’m put in a no-win situation.

Why am I worried if I’m taking something that’s supposed to reduce or get rid of episodes?

Supposed is the key word there. I’m not with a doctor, this was not suggested to me by a health care practitioner. I did research and then went with what I could to lower my chances of having an episode while I wait for a doctor.

Also, last night when I was talking to a client the edges of my vision began going black. My face went numb and thank goodness for the voice that screamed, “Oh shit, something’s wrong!” or I probably would have passed out.

Not that the client would have helped me, as somehow I screwed up and the interaction went south very fast but I’ve found I mimic when I start checking out and people don’t like that.

Afterward I started crying uncontrollably and had that godawful hollowed out sick feeling because not fainting didn’t fix whatever is wrong.

I think I need to be put on stress leave. I just need a couple of weeks, even if it’s just school.

Can’t get a summer job, all postings are now for those ages 15-30 because of a government program and I don’t qualify because of my age. I can no longer afford to take the summer off because of the uncertainty of the student loan/grant system which is supposed to fund my school. It’s currently being gutted both by the province I once lived in and the one I now live in because “it’s not fair to those who have student loans and are paying them.”

…

No. And since apparently no one here wants to vote, I’ll fucking vote and I’ll vote to get you out of office. And, bee-tee-dubs, this isn’t a bipartisan system so your ‘competition’ is also not getting my vote unless they are actually what is good for our future.

Week Five (Day Five)

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Finished the first hundred pages of Harvest, got another sixty from my beta reader. I keep thinking I’m going to drop off and ‘die’ mentally again so I’m pushing through this but I still have until December.

Trying some ads for Seed even though I shouldn’t, because I’m technically broke. I’m trying them because it’s the best pre-order to date and I want to get it out there to the right readers.

Bookbub scared the bejesus out of me yesterday. It sent me an email about a new release alert and I had a small panic/joy that they had actually taken me on for a new release ad. Panic because how would I pay for it, joy because oh my god.

But no, it’s a new release email they push to all your followers on Bookbub for free until you cross a specific follower line, which I think is over 1000. So… free for me forever!

Look at the upside of situations, I guess. Yup, that’s my mood today.

I guess it is update day for school.

Writing has gotten into talking about word choice and cliches, that kind of thing. It almost bores me because my work has talked to me about it for years, but then ignored it. I try to do the formal business-like language. So, I struggle to pay attention because I feel like I know it and she wants us to hand write everything while kind of discouraging notes. If I’m not taking notes, there’s a very good chance that I’m not paying attention, I’m just saying.

But all I want to do is write stories on the paper. The blank pages are taunting me, which they haven’t done in over a decade because I no longer deal with paper. It’s a lot harder for me to ignore that pull than it is to ignore the pull for a new story on the computer. At least the computer, I have to put in the effort to open the processor, whereas when I’m sitting in class with a blank page before me, trying to pay attention but I just end up staring at a blank page?

It’s worse than the clickety clack, it’s actually triggering my hypergraphia. That part where not writing has started to hurt and I hate that, but that’s how it goes when I resist impulses to write. So, I need to figure something out because writing The Others hasn’t helped take the mean edge off that need of mine.

All because she wants us to hand write everything!

I mean, I could hand write a story, just out on all that paper I have. I don’t actually need five hundred sheets of paper for school ,do I? I might use a hundred total, leaving just enough to write an actual book.

Oh god. Now I’m thinking about it.

Computer Skills and Math were kind of cancelled for this week as the instructor is out. He did assign work, I had the Computer work done the day he assigned it, I think, and the Math I finished yesterday about twenty minutes into the class that’s regularily scheduled for Computer Skills. I spent my remaining two hours reading the book for Interpersonal Communications.

The only class for that for this week happens this afternoon and we’ll have a speaker. No computer because she wants us to take notes and make sure the speaker feels like our full attention is on them. I get that. I suppose.

I swear, I’ll take actual notes and not write a story.

Although, now the idea of the pen scratching across the paper…

It’s like scratching a mosquito bite. It feels so good to think of that, but I know it’s dangerous and I shouldn’t do it.

What would I even write, right? I don’t have a story that could be done on paper!

There, matter settled.

Oh, but that scritchety-scratch of pen on paper.

Where was I?

Keyboarding?

The test yesterday was out 15% one, not the 5% one that I thought it was. Great, I feel like I did good, but I have this weird thing sometimes with proofing. I could proof until the cows come home. Then a book launches and I find a typo in the description.

I’m looking at you, His Grace.

Don’t worry, I fixed that one.

Anyhow, it took me about twenty minutes and for the timed writings in there, I actually met and exceeded my average words with no errors. Heck, I even had to go back and fix some stuff because I’m a silly goose.

My fingers are trying to say different words than I’m actively thinking to them. It’s like they’re trying to link to my unconscious mind which is kind of running in circles in the background going, “It’s almost NaNoWriMo and we haven’t settled on a story!”

Not participating in that this year, what with school and work and all.

Shoot, where was I? School update.

Accounting has been simple for this chapter. Doing the extra work took about ten minutes, and then I went back to reading the book for Interpersonal Communication. When I finished, I still had an hour or so of class left (this was ‘free’ time and many left during or even before the class started). I was going to work on The Others but there was a nagging voice at the back of my mind.

So, I wrote the rough draft of my book report yesterday in Accounting class.

Except, I can’t tell anyone except you, dear reader, because the other students have begun to resent me for always having everything done and never having a bother with the assignments. Or a complaint about the teachers. There appears to be some unrest starting and I don’t understand why everyone is getting so upset about sitting in class when it’s the perfect time to do that homework you’re behind on, or practice in that class you need help in.

Instead, they talk about wanting to go home and how a class or day is a waste. It’s not a waste, it’s a practical gift.

Besides what might be assigned today, I am going into the fifth weekend without any homework, because I took the free time I had at school and put it to work.

Pat on my back, right? It’s something to be proud of because I know me.

Normally by October, I throw my hands in the air and basically shout, “I quit!” and homework starts lagging. I know if I don’t do it here, I will struggle with it at home because that’s my time. And I won’t do it at work because some Nosey Nelly shoves her face into my business as I’m trying to do homework. They start asking about school and homework and what am I struggling at?

Oh, nothing? So, you’re just bored all the time? No, oh yes, of course you’re upset you missed 1% on your Accounting test.

No, I’m not upset because I didn’t get a hundred. I’m not beating myself up over it. I normally score in the 70% range for tests. When it came up to 99% it bothered me because I was so close and it’s a thing of pride to finally cross that threshold and have a 100% on a test.

I missed the dollar signs. She could have docked 3-6% for missing all the freaking dollar signs but she only took off a percent. For all she knew, I was dealing in ounces of crack, or bananas!

Ah well.

I don’t have lunch today. Yup, I went and blanked on freaking lunch. I’m not going to go hungry, I’ve got a debit card and got paid yesterday. It’s just that I’m one of those people who tends to look at the price of fast food/pre-made meals and turning up my nose because I could make something that tastes much better for that price or less.

Let that be a lesson to me!

If I had realized ahead of time, I might have been able to ask for leftovers, as it was, I didn’t find out until I was about to leave my room.

Next week I want to try to make loaded cauliflower casserole. I think is what it’s called. It’s going to be a little weird, but it’ll have cheese… and more cheese. I’m hoping it can pass for an “adult” macaroni and cheese because suddenly that’s what I’m craving.

Awakened Week Four

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Sorry for the not-quite update last week. Normally within a week, I’m back to where I was before but this time I was determined to do something even if my doctor won’t and I ended up anxious as could be and it ate away at my mind for a little longer.

Two things ended up being suggested to me: Valerian root at 500mg, and a CBD tincture.

I looked up both online, did my own research and decided to give both a shot. Valerian root is relatively inexpensive but I could only find 400mg which is okay. I’m sensitive to chemicals, drugs, and sometimes just wind up seeing sparkles when I try new things.

On the CBD, it made me anxious because it is a grey area. You can get it in my area without a prescription of any kind. It’s classified as a supplement, not a drug because the psychoactive part of it has been basically removed.

And until I tried Valerian, I was actually sitting around wondering how in the hell they could make CBD a supplement so quickly.

Oh… Valerian.

I went eighteen hours before the anxiety returned and then I crashed hard. By the time I got off work I was in tears.

I didn’t want to take a second Valerian that night to make sure everything was out of my system. I had a glass of wine instead. I regret that… the not taking the Valerian, not the wine. Though if you ever decide to try Valerian, don’t mix it with alcohol.

A friend had to drag me off the couch the next day to go get CBD. I had never done it before and the place she took me to is a completely legal place, they are good with whatever laws they have to be good with.

I thought it was a freaking spa. I swear I’ve seen ads on their door for eyelashes. I walk by it every time I take my walk.

And it’s possible, just walking in, I got like a contact high from the smell of it. I loved it, but I had a weird childhood where that smell is actually a comfort to me. I always get a little goofy when I smell it.

Don’t worry, for those who have been tagging along in my 12-in-12, Awakened was completed the day before my episode. I already have some edits in mind. Things to add in. As this may be the only book for the world (no others came eagerly forward) I may be doing an actual re-write for this book.

Then I got to thinking and Awakened is a little off the wall for my usual style so I’m just basically sitting here, twiddling my thumbs as I try to figure out what I should do. I’m not thinking about creating a new pen name, I had just been wondering about trying a publishing house with Awakened as it’s more like their thing.

That’s probably a stupid idea though.

I don’t have my usb on me, but I think Awakened finished off at about 87k words.

As for me… When I woke up this morning, I felt myself. For a fleeting moment, I felt myself, and then it was gone and it’s just sort of coming and going. Which is good, I miss that.

Minimal joint pain starting my day and no anxiety, but the world isn’t filled with cotton candy dreams the way it was on Monday after my first night with Valerian. That kind of sucks for me because I was looking forward to the cotton candy world, that spike of happiness, but at the same time it’s a good thing. It may have been a bit of mania which caused the crash.

I could be that happy again, I’ve felt like that before just on my own and in a good place in life. Just not right now, at least until I know it’s not going to make me crash again. I have about four more days until I have to start April’s project.

I think I’m about 320,000 words right now. Not counting additions from edits. I’ll be making a confirmed number this weekend with the final draft of His Wings and will add to it as I get drafts finished, or until November comes around.

Still waiting on Seed to come back from betas. I had been hoping to edit Crop these past two weeks. It obviously didn’t happen but I swear I can feel that thrum under it all. But I gave myself to Friday to get used to the new supplements so that’s what I’m going to do.

His Wings Week Two

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Let’s see if I can do this…

Turns out my issue with this story may be that I had a migraine coming on. Migraines are caused (for me) by a special kind of stress. They aren’t tension headaches and haven’t been diagnosed so the fact that I am vertical may mean they’re a different kind of brain malfunction.

Diagnosing brain malfunctions has always been difficult and I’ve watched others go through the steps only to be told by doctors there’s nothing wrong with them.

Even though they have multiple grand mal seizures in front of witnesses, pass out on a weekly basis, or have a different sort of episode where they go blank, their personality changes, witnesses say there was something ‘not right’ about how they moved and so on.

But no, there was nothing medically wrong with them. Even though six months to two years later like magic they are diagnosed with something that explains all of their symptoms because it was finally caught on a machine.

… I’d really like to get fixed, but it’s actually less stressful and seems more productive to figure out the triggers and then just avoid them.

I’ve trained myself to write down symptoms when I get like this, to try to help things out. And because before I started that each time it came over me I was completely surprised. Now I’ve got a little awareness and I know before there are holes in my vision and half my face goes numb.

I’ve been the only one looking after me so long that I can keep working through the symptoms but over the past couple years have stopped. No one is going to thank me for working through this agony and it just draws it out.

So now each time it happens I make a choice based on what’s going on. I should have called into my day job today but I’m going in anyhow.

Partly because my pills are in my locker. Mainly because with 87 days to my last day, I’m trying to train people to do my job.

Is it train or trane? Oh poop, there’s no autocorrect or spell check.

The drop off of word count ahould have been my first clue. Struggling to find my words while talking shouls have been the second.

A friend has a theory that I have temporal lobe epilepsy effecting my brocas area that results in my hypergraphia. Basically my word/language centre gets electrocute every once in a while.

The fact that I kept getting distracted by other work would have been the third clue. If I didn’t want to write the story a game or the internet ahould have distracted me. Not marketing and cover design such and so forth.

So… I’m a broken bunny. His Wings goes live April 8th and is currently just shy of 20k words.

The long and the short of this is that my move being three months off (The stress of living through those months and realizing just how unhappy I’ve been by myself, not the act of the move) caused an episode of some sort.

Its hard to tell through text, and what with the inability to express emotion given how exhausted I am, but I’m super pissed this is happening. I’d much rather be writing. Just getting to the good part!