Discord

I’ve added a discord server for all things writing. This gives a place where I can update and you can easily talk to me about what’s going on. Facebook sometimes isn’t updating me and somehow my site notifications are getting lost but Discord is kind of like “Hey, hey, hey, look at me!”

You will need to have a discord account, or make one (it’s completely free) and exist for 5-10 minutes before you can join.

https://discord.gg/S3xRA4G

Summer Plans

I had to open my availability up at work so I’m not a hundred percent certain how this is going to look.

This summer, I want to get through Nate’s Story and have it up and ready to go, preferably to have it launch August 20 but I don’t think I’ll make that deadline. That’s fine, it’s fine, I’ve been brain dead and you have to give yourself time to recover otherwise you’ll wind up permanently shutting down.

I feel like I’m forgetting a magic book or something, just sitting off in the corner of what I wrote before and haven’t finished with yet.

What I’d like to do is write Savage Shores (alien utopia/dystopia thing) I’m writing this because it involves a paradise ship and I’m taking a vacation to basic paradise so I’m going to take a notepad with me and my camera and do some intense research. The intro is written too, I just need to swing in from where I have written, add more steam, bam, done in a week.

… if I… work and Nate’s Story are getting in the way.

Anyone know how to clone a person?

This is definitely where normal people have editors, I know. But the day job isn’t paying a living wage, I can’t afford to pump that kind of money into books at the speed I write without a business credit card and I think my bank is actually laughing at me right about now.

If Savage Shores is written I can mangle time in there to do the edits but that version has to be on my desktop. I use ProWritingAid for that part and it won’t work on my laptop and the help service has decided not to… you know, help me.

I reached the limit of what I can do to troubleshoot at the moment so I walked away rather than spend ten to twenty hours finding the solution when I need that time for other things.

Once Savage Shores is written I’d pretty well launch right into editing. I’ve heard of authors doing all their edits in less than two days. Makes me wonder if I’m being too particular, but I’d …well, I’d like to try something like that and have Savage Shores out this year too.

Nate’s Story, I’m going to start reading again today because there are certain things from Izzy’s Story which need to be seen to in Nate’s Story, you know, plot holes, continuity, etc. So power through that and then start edits. Workload wise, these last two weeks of school sound simple, if they are as simple as they sound, I should have some work periods at school to devote to editing Nate’s Story.

The week of June 14 you won’t hear from me, I will not exist.

Unless I can write off that trip as a research expense, then yes, yes I do exist. But I don’t think that’s how write offs work.

I have two Wattpad stories to update weekly. The one has eleven or thirteen chapters pre-written which will take me all the way to … September? Before I “have to” make time for that but I will likely add more chapters between now and then. For The Arcane, I’ve been writing them weekly, but it’s two to three hours of writing and then off it goes. So I’ll slot that in every week.

I do have a side thing I have to do, but it’s basically a read and format , shouldn’t take more than a couple days as long as I don’t get sucked into doing the cover.

… I’ll probably get sucked into doing the cover.

As of July 1st I am going to sit down and manage and schedule. No school means I have 30 hours a week free. I have one week booked off that’s for family time but it’s not all going to be family time, so out comes the laptop for that.

If, and that’s a big if, but if I get Savage Shores and Nate’s Story done in time? I’m writing Dire Consequences in August. The third and final book of Morgan/Rachel. From there on it’s solo books in the world of daughters.

I need all the luck I can get. But it’s good to have a plan set out, because once I have a plan, I’m more likely to get stuff done. So. Let’s get this done.

Progress

Grim Port is up for pre-order, the file complete. Grim Haven is about halfway through the read edit, I’m still hoping to have it done tomorrow, and to start Grim Travels tomorrow.

After that I don’t know what I’m doing. I plan to take a couple weeks off and such…

Mr. Wrightworth is up and wants to play more with Will. I think I have him on the hook to do edits and re-writes for Nate’s Story as that is my desire, to finish with that and publish it. Then the novella for Mr. Wrightworth which segways into Will’s story, then rewrite Will’s Story into probably three books, at least one more though to make it work, then on to Contract Gifted to expand that into at least one full book. Then to wrap it all up with a book about how Mr. Wrightworth got out of the slum at which point the entire series is wrapped up and ends with his birth name being revealed.

I don’t know why, that’s just always been the shifting ending.

I also want to write D.o.t.A. book three, which is a Morgan and Rachel story with more smut than book one.

But I need to put the vampires to bed for a bit first.

My problem is: I think I have an episode coming on. Extreme stress, frustration, and being overworked does it to me. This is, I think, the first in a year, but it messes with my memories. I was hoping if it happens, it happened around my relatives so I could get an actual freaking recording of it to submit to a doctor.

You know, to get properly treated.

I’m concerned about it because suddenly it’s on my mind. I almost never think of them. And something I’m taking helps with anxiety, sleep, and supposed to treat the conditions I may have but have no proof to give to a medical professional for. The brain’s a funny thing. So, in theory, it shouldn’t happen.

But if it does, it will be in the next week and I won’t be home.

If it happens at school I’ve got two ex-nurses in the class, I should (in theory) be covered there. Except I think if it’s a seizure, even though it wouldn’t be a physical thrashing type, they would call an ambulance and I can’t afford the bill right now.

If it happens at work I’m going to get two middle fingers up in the air and will have to work through it. I would reach out and have someone pick me up after as I don’t think I’ve ever driven after an episode and I’m not about to try now.

Work changed my schedule, took away my every other Sunday off until I don’t know when. I’m working mornings as well. I don’t know why. I can assume it’s because of vacations but someone is coming in to cover the other vacation so I’m not understanding why this person who is covering isn’t working all the shifts to give me a day off.

I kind of mentally clocked out when I found out I wasn’t getting another day off. I do recall something about it not being fair to the others.

What about fair to me?

I can’t argue for my day off though. I feel like if I do I’ll be asked to step down. I’ll be reduced to minimum wage and have to open my availability and work my hours to make what I do on a reduced hour schedule. I can’t advocate for myself because I’d be reduced to a normal part timer, is what I feel.

Except I’d still be expected to do the things I do now, and wind up training my replacement while making minimum wage.

To me that doesn’t sound fair. And when I feel like that, I’m more likely to have an episode. It breaks my brain when I’m put in a no-win situation.

Why am I worried if I’m taking something that’s supposed to reduce or get rid of episodes?

Supposed is the key word there. I’m not with a doctor, this was not suggested to me by a health care practitioner. I did research and then went with what I could to lower my chances of having an episode while I wait for a doctor.

Also, last night when I was talking to a client the edges of my vision began going black. My face went numb and thank goodness for the voice that screamed, “Oh shit, something’s wrong!” or I probably would have passed out.

Not that the client would have helped me, as somehow I screwed up and the interaction went south very fast but I’ve found I mimic when I start checking out and people don’t like that.

Afterward I started crying uncontrollably and had that godawful hollowed out sick feeling because not fainting didn’t fix whatever is wrong.

I think I need to be put on stress leave. I just need a couple of weeks, even if it’s just school.

Can’t get a summer job, all postings are now for those ages 15-30 because of a government program and I don’t qualify because of my age. I can no longer afford to take the summer off because of the uncertainty of the student loan/grant system which is supposed to fund my school. It’s currently being gutted both by the province I once lived in and the one I now live in because “it’s not fair to those who have student loans and are paying them.”

No. And since apparently no one here wants to vote, I’ll fucking vote and I’ll vote to get you out of office. And, bee-tee-dubs, this isn’t a bipartisan system so your ‘competition’ is also not getting my vote unless they are actually what is good for our future.

May Starter

Work took away my day off and I don’t know why. No explanation, I haven’t been back in. I know another manager is on a two week vacation, but I was managing my days off when we didn’t have her. This is a stress on me. I felt like I was finally starting to feel almost stable again.

Getting things cleaned up and organized, ticking tasks off my list, buying plants.

I never really buy plants while depressed. I don’t understand why that is.

I’ve got some seeds coming my way. From online so I can only say they’re supposed to be Desert Rose, Dragon Tree, and an Aeonium mix.

Yes, I could buy Desert Rose or Dragon Trees but I’m having terrible luck buying plants. They look fine in the greenhouse/store, I get them home and put them in quarantine and mites appear.

It’s not an all over the house thing, just a me thing.

Or they’re planted in the wrong soil and have root rot when I receive them but it’s so new I can’t see it.

Saw a house with a small orchard within my price range and desperately wished I could afford it now. A small orchard, a shed for small animals which housed goats and birds, zoned for small animals and it looked nice on the inside but in an ‘ish’ fashion which means I’d renovate and really make it mine.

I need to get on Sims and design an approximation of a house I want. Then I will have a bit of an idea and know what to look for or what sort of a blueprint I need made to build a house.

I know I’m going to get distracted and add a pool or some such. Then it’ll be a hundred hours later and I’ll have altered the entire neighbourhood, but that’s okay. As long as I get that first house done.

I’m going to refinish a couple of chairs.

I know what you’re thinking: but Aya, you don’t have time.

See, I’ve also altered my pain management. After hitting the edge of my tolerance Friday and still having to work then, a full shift on Saturday, and a half-shift on Sunday, I was beyond what I can tolerate.

So, I decided to take it upon myself to alter my management. Two of the pain killer / anti-inflammatory pills try to kill me from the inside out, from the feel of it. The one was like magic when I first took it buy my delicate little system decided to shove two middle fingers into the air.

Between the intestinal pain and all over body pain, I’d actually rather the all over body pain because I’m so used to it that I don’t feel it as pain any more.

So far it’s been good, of course, it’s only been a couple of days. All of a sudden I sleep, I eat (but not in the mornings because that’s madness), I clean and have interests in hobbies and activities again. Yesterday the pain came back at 1 p.m. but after two days without it was actual pain. I felt it like pain.

It started in my back and spread to my arms and shoulders. By the time my class ended I was basically laying on my desk, it hurt so much.

Each morning I wake up, I feel stuffy still. Like there’s cotton stuffed into my joints. So I take to ibuprofen because despite what the internet tells me, that stuff never causes any problems for me. By the time I’m done my coffee, usually, it’s all fine and done.

Today my back is still aching, or aching again, but I think that’s being exasperated by the couch I’ve decided to use again. I need to re-stuff the cushions and, I think, add ties to the corners to keep them from sliding about the couch. I never had this much issue before, surely.

Today for school we’re doing a volunteer day. Me and almost half my class are going to a place together. Rumour is I will be doing administrative work with one other person, while others do another equally important but unknown task. I signed up for the task and then heard someone else mention an instructor.

Yeah, signed up without reading beyond “may involve administrative work” and what group we were going to work with. Turns out, I signed up to work with a teacher we had back in Fall and who I really missed.

I’ve come to like… most… of the instructors, but she could very well be my favourite.

I finally managed to get confirmation from the one that she understands the only place I want to go is the hospital, but she said nothing about having me on the list. She didn’t even recognize that I was sitting at the table until that exact moment. She’s taken to doing that and it’s exclusion which by her own words is a form of bullying.

I had something to share the other day which I found interesting and brought it up because the topic was brought up and she barely let me talk before she started talking over me. A nurse ahead of me turned around and wanted to discuss the subject so the instructor called her attention over as if we hadn’t been talking and asked what she thought on the topic.

She doesn’t do that if anyone else starts talking about… anything. Could be school based, could not be school based, could be inappropriate. She lets them finish. Me? I want to talk about how you can’t get the Hepatitis B vaccine at the moment because there are none, but new babies are supposed to be vaccinated at birth against Hep B and suddenly the conversation has to end.

I get that I have attention problems and most people see that as being disrespectful, but the fastest way to get anyone involved in a class is to hear them out about topics which pertain to the class and which they are also showing interest in. Quickest way to make them stop paying attention?

Cut them off and make them feel invisible.

Instead of paying any attention in her class I’ve started reading the book on my own, or doing online research into health news and current research. She makes me feel like she doesn’t want me in the class and I don’t need or want that kind of negativity right now, as I’m trying to build myself back up.

It’s not really my fault that as I rebuild myself I can split my attention between two things and take both in just the same. It’s also not my fault that I can’t focus on one thing anymore. There’s no panic about the whole thing. I’m just taking information in passively.

I used to do it all the time, before I got run down, depressed, and just blah.

I missed the old me, I’m glad she’s back without as much baggage or anxiety.

April Updates

I’ve barely started the last edit for Grim Port, moved into Wattpad with a story called The Arcane, been dabbling with cover design and digital painting, and am super manic right now.

Grim Port may be slow because of a couple of reasons. The first being that last in the list: I’m super manic right now. Getting me to focus on words is like trying to feed a child brussel sprouts. It’s not that I have an aversion to words even, it’s that I have an aversion to editing. Normally I’d just hop on over to a story and get it out of my system but this is due in less than a month.

More like… about two weeks.

The move into Wattpad was done because of the manic thrum. I was down and out for almost a month from writing and world creation. Kind of exploded all over all the things. Serialized stories is how I started out and I love them to bits. It’s been years since I did one. Posting to Wattpad lets me get the stories I want to get out, out, while also allowing readers to get something from me that isn’t vampires.

Besides working on Kaz on the side, I’m going to shelve the vampires for a little bit. The three trilogies sort of round out the vampires and they do leave room for creation in the world. I do, at some point, want to write about Mungo and Daisy, and the witch war, and the Ba Re family.

But I also need a bit of a break from them.

Also, readers online prefer the romance. Readers in person like the vampire books better so, you know, if I could figure out how to get them into a book store in a major city, I could get books into the hands of readers that way.

If only, right?

Anyhow, Wattpad will update once a week. I think it was a Sunday I posted? Monday? One of the two, I’ll figure it out on Sunday.

For the cover design, well, it’s not words and it’s basically arts and crafts. I did a quick slap together cover for The Arcane and then did another cover, this one with purpose and attempt to make it look nice for an author named R. J. Price over on Wattpad.

At some point I need to do five fantasy books for the same author, but thankfully it’s not a commission so I’m not pressed to do them now.

I’ve been thinking about redoing the Contracted covers. I love the current covers, but they aren’t what readers are looking for, apparently. I also (still) need to redo the Wraith’s Rebellion covers. Lots of arts and crafts.

There’s also still school and work involved. I didn’t get either the specialized work program for the summer or employment for the summer from the hospital. It almost sounds like they only hired one position for the summer and it’s a friend of mine which is great for her.

So, from the sound of it, I’m stuck at my current job over the summer. Did some more math, can’t afford to quit and just spend the summer focused on my work and publishing like crazy. It’s sad, but that’s the fact of life.

Unless one of you has the winning lottery numbers?

Any job opportunity we hear about, I apply for. Getting into a job next year will be easier if I have experience in my field.

But I’m trying to prattle on to avoid edits, and if I get them done I can move on to another story sooner rather than later.

New Plan!

This is how I know I’m in the middle of some kind of meltdown.

I keep making plans and adjusting plans and figuring out plans and just… just just, you know?

If I could find a job with a steady income I could buy a house. Or at least get pre-qualified to buy a house. This is part of my long term plan. I understand repairs would be on me, but there’s this deep need of mine to own the land I live on. I’d have a garden and almost never mow the lawn because anyone who bitches can do it themselves.

So it has to be in the country, obviously.

I’d probably mow the lawn, but later on.

So, buy a house, have a child, pay off my mortgage and then “retire” on the writing.

See. Plan.

Shhhhhhh, don’t talk numbers to me. Don’t tell me how the writing isn’t guaranteed to pay for me and a child. Just take that little urge to talk and smother it.

I talked with someone else who told me a credit score her bank gave her for her steady income job in a different but also necessary field. I consulted an app in my bank because when I reached out for a specialist nothing happened. The app takes the information my bank has on me, which is a lot, let’s face it, and spits out an estimated credit score.

Okay, I’m within the range for a mortgage.

My brain just has to obsessively check all these things off.

Down payment, check.

House in the country that needs some work, check.

Don’t worry, not trying to buy a house now.

Then, after seeing my credit score I started backwheeling. Or, back tracking or… whatever. Pay off that debt, that also needs to get gone to get into that situation of living mortgage free and off the books.

Having sat down with a financial advisor before, I know how a bank looks at you. Your money plus your debt equals your worth plus how many “good” debts you have divided by the number of missed payments in the last twenty-four months plus one.

Math.

So I did that and realized there’s a whole different thing going on.

My brain immediately told me I had to work through the summer to maintain income to pay down the debt more. Then I did the math and realized that I would pay off an approximate $300 extra if that happens.

Whereas if I stepped out of work and focused on writing I could get the Nate’s trilogy done, Kaz done, Awakened done and who knows what else (I’m looking at you D.o.t.A, it’s time). So now I’m trying to talk myself out of talking myself out of taking the summer off.

Except this is one of many plans, that particular plan involves not having a summer job at all. I’m still looking and I’d still love to have a summer job in my new field. Luffle it to bits and pieces.

And if I’m there for the summer, working in my field, then there are two possibilities. One is that I got into a specialized program and I’m earning barely above minimum wage but getting full-time hours and that spectacular bonus of having experience in my field.

The other is that I get in at the hospital like I really, really want and I might earn what I’m earning now but from the sound of it they may work summer students (even in my position) full time sort of like an office job. As in 8-4 five days a week. The added bonus being that I’d be in the freaking hospital. Getting experience I want at the same-ish price as my current work is offering me and I’d probably squee through the first three weeks.

The only problem being the possibility of either of those is about… the same as winning the lottery.

Which puts my mind in this spiral of trying to plan finances and making it through. Which is the same as above. It’s like I’m searching for magical money except I’ve kind of found magical money because I had forgotten about the equation my bank uses to determine my worth.

And knowing my worth, having grown up in what my bank classifies as poor, I’m trying very hard to sit on my hands and not spend money. It’s not magic money, just keep doing what you’re doing.

Except what I’m doing gets me so far into it that I can’t see the forest for the fences people have built between me and it.

I think at this point I’ve now decided to find magic money, to find that amount which will drop my worth back to $0.

But that interferes with the house and child.

And if I had kept in the running for the position I withdrew from, it’s possible I’d already be back at $0 or close to and then I’d already be on track for all the things.

Which makes my mind start to spiral again even though I should be freaking happy because my worth practically freaking doubled so why in the hell is this such a freaking problem?

Anytime I sit down to write or edit that’s what starts going through my head. It just refuses to stop. Even Kaz has only gotten a few words in edgewise and he’s super loud and annoying most of the time.

And I know the best thing for me, the best way I can help myself right now, is to finish the edit for Grim Travels and get that up, then take the week to write Kaz for my sanity, then get on with editing Nate’s Story, then edit Kaz, then… then…

See? I need the summer off to get all these things done to realize my dream but I can’t look at my manuscripts without that spiral starting and me getting distracted and sinking into numbers and all the rest.

Writing keeps me sane during all this insanity, it helps give me something to keep going for yet I can’t even manage that right now and it’s frustrating. I don’t want to think about how it could take four years for me to be able to buy a place if I change my plan now. I don’t want to spend so much time focused on the financial status that can’t change without action, time, and patience.

I want to do something that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.

So… in the meantime, I’m knitting two more blankets and trying not to beat myself up about not editing just yet. I’m trying not to think about how disappointed I’ll be when I don’t get into the hospital/summer job even though I’ve already realized I’m not getting in there.

No matter what happens this summer, I have a plan to keep going and get things done. This should not be woe-is-me. I should be excited and moving and ticking things off the list and getting a little further into my plan to get a little further ahead before the summer hits.

I just need… to refocus, except I can’t focus. Not even on my favourite instructors. Instead I’m twirling a pen in class and staring off at nothing.

Yeah, you read that right, I’m not even daydreaming in class. I’m not plotting, I’m not planning, I’m not running scripts in the back of my mind during lectures. I’m in class and not only am I checked out of the class, I’m just not functioning.

This isn’t like me, and I don’t like it one bit.

Plan Changes (Again)

So, a few weeks back I had a discussion where I stated what I needed to succeed and I was reassured that it was possible. Yesterday I was told it wasn’t possible and I would have to accept the original agreement made at a time when things were lacking and I was trying to be a helpful little bunny or I would need to step down.

Stepping down means dropping to minimum wage. If I work at minimum wage I would have to work my current hours in order to make what I would make on the modifications at the reduced hours.

So… it’s step down for the sake of my mental health.

Or keep going and keep my head above water while not gaining the volunteer experience or peer experience I want to get from my schooling. Not getting back on track with my writing which… I mean, come on, it’s the only thing I’ve got that I still do for me anymore.

But if I step down I won’t have enough money which means I can’t afford anything which means…

Which means I am in full blown meltdown mode.

And I should probably say, my modification request was made after considering what I’m supposed to do. I didn’t ask for less that what is expected of a body filling my position. And I wanted the reduction because I’m getting more and more overwhelmed and stressed out and it’s started this spiral of destruction which affects my ability to work.

Know who’s lippy when tired and stressed out?

This person.

I was in pain yesterday so I took two pills for that and still had sharp, sudden pains in my back. Not in my rib cage or I would have gone straight to a hospital. A coworker commented that I was motioning to about my kidneys. She thinks kidney stones.

I’d go to my doctor except I don’t have one. And I can’t go to emergency because the wait for a bleed or broken bone is six hours. Also, I just don’t have the time, I mean, I physically do not have the time. Between work and school and sleep I think I figured I had something like 45 hours a week that isn’t dedicated to something. And two and a half or those hours are the first half-hour of weekdays when I’m making coffee and breakfast and getting everything situated for the day. Almost five of them are showering and dinner at the end of the day.

It might sound like I have a lot of time, but I’m actually pretty certain I messed up in my addition somewhere because… because I have an hour Monday and maybe two hours Tuesday where I have nothing to do. So where in the heck are the other 32 hours? Because I can’t find them.

I should be editing right now. I was so close to getting into the edit of Grim Travels and then the second discussion happened and my mind just completely shut down.

It didn’t help that my “career advisor” or whatever they want to call them at school, told me to go hand out resumes at doctors’ offices for my on the job training… directly after I told her I am interested in the hospital.

She said to go to her if we wanted to get in somewhere and she would tell us what we needed to make it happen, make phone calls, help us out. It reflects well on her if we get jobs, especially if we get the jobs we want and we are then happy alumni to pass on that bit of information for her.

And then… that.

I need people to stop telling me one thing and then doing another.

It’s not hard. “Everyone in the class except Aya can come to me and tell me where they want to go and I will do my best to get you in there.”

Bam. Done.

I’d be like, “Okay, lady, that’s kind of mean but I’m usually on my own so let’s do this.” and off I’d go getting all the job offers to show her.

Yeah, I’m a spitefully successful type of person.

Even if the conversation went:

“I’m interested in the hospital.”

“Okay, few people get in there. I’ll put you on the list and as soon as they approach us about next year, I’ll pass on your name to them. In the meantime, I’d suggest you also hand resumes out to doctors’ offices, just in case a lot of people want to go to the hospital and they don’t choose you.”

“Okay, I’ll do that, I was planning on doing that anyway, as I know not everyone gets in to the hospital.”

Even though last year’s class, everyone who applied and passed the application process got in from what I heard. Then they all got hired.

So… ya’know…

People I know who have worked for the hospital keep telling me I’ll get in but it’s not a magic job land where I can throw resumes at them and eventually they’ll let me in. If it worked like that I’d already have a job there and most of my stress from this past month would be solved and I wouldn’t be upset with an instructor who I’m pretty certain likes me the least out of all my instructors and just so happens to be our career advisor person… thingy.

I want to be happier at school but work has me in meltdown mode constantly because for almost the last year work has been in constant meltdown mode. Which is why I asked for a modification, so I could go to school like I have for the past two weeks and not felt like I’d be crushed under the weight of my schedule.

First it was no pay raise for the higher position last year. Then it was need to lean on you because this person is leaving and you used to do her job and we need that extra help. Then it was work these extra hours to make this work. Then it was pick up the pace to make this work. Then it was work six weeks in a row without a single day off or time to yourself because it’s our busy season. Then work through Christmas. Then it was you can’t make those changes. Then it was why aren’t these people succeeding? Then it was well… maybe we can work in a regular day off. Then it was this other person left and that person left and the whole place is on fire so lean on you some more!

And now it’s: if you can’t work the previously given schedule at the same rate you were earning without the higher position, you need to step down, revert to minimum wage and we will go without or struggle until a replacement is found and trained.

I feel they would rather not have my position filled than make accommodations for my mental health, of which I was told what I asked for were just to be reduced to the hours that my position is allowed/expected to work.

It’s kind of like saying, “Hey, I drove you crazy (pretty near literally) but you’re being a bitch, so fuck off. No, I don’t want to problem solve. Go away.”

Which I’ve also heard in the past.

I suppose I also feel betrayed and used and that likely is spinning into my seriously downed mood. Someone asked me how my day was and I started crying. That is not the answer to “how’s your day?”

I know when I get stressed out without a break, I go off the rails. I flight right off of them and land in crazy down, then light that bitch on fire and go cackling through the streets. Normally with a bottle of wine in one hand and a cat tucked under my other arm. I know this about myself.

I’m also pretty certain I’ve been saying right along that I need a break, that I need this over here as a break. That I need this week off without being called in and with pay, for my sanity. I need this. I need a day off. I need people to support what’s being done or I need to not be doing it anymore.

I never expect people to look at me and know, “Oh, if she doesn’t eat, she gets cranky.”

I tell them.

Then they laugh and are like, “Oh, you get hangry.”

No, I have snapped at a store manager that I needed food, he snapped back at me and my response made my customer tell me to go eat something while she looked at the wall for five minutes. Hangry is a cutesy term.

I turn into a crazy lady and I tell people that.

Basically it all boils down to: I am stressed.

I need a break and/or a new job that pays above minimum wage and doesn’t want full time hours unless it’s over the summer, then please, yes, throw the hours at me, I will roll around in them like they’re a bed of money, with as much delight as if you made me a bed of money because there’s something about working that just gets everything else working.

Eighty days to Mexico.

This is going to hurt and be bloody.