I Hate Myself Today

I’m currently working from home, for this I am thankful. Except we may run out of work that I can do as of Monday (for which I apologize to the people I live with).

I went out today for the first time in two weeks to do a grocery run so I (in theory) won’t have to go out for another month. I hear people complaining about this and comparing it to the common flu but I also worry because there are so many being put into medically induced comas so their bodies can fight the virus. Without that, the death toll would be higher.

It started at 3% and has climbed to about 5%.

It’s not much, many say.

Kill about thirty thousand people and it’s the same as planting something like twenty million trees, which no one will do because it’s “too hard”.

And here I am with writer’s block.

I have two side projects and I have the plot for those side projects bothering me day in and day out. Super want to write them, but I can’t. The words are stuck, like behind a dam, and I know this feeling…

I want to write Mars Red and Mr. Wrightworth pops up every once in a while.

Okay, not every once in a while. I saw his real name the other day and he popped in. I responded to someone in chat, “good,” just in a normal fashion and he popped up.

Basically, I want to write, but I can’t.

My meds run ou next month and I considered, given the climate, to just do the work of easing myself off. Then I looked it up.

I’ve made strides while on the medication. Before, I was in survival mode constantly and this has kicked me out and reminded me that there’s something besides survival mode. So, in theory, I’ll do great even off it… but…

I worry.

So, I’ll have to venture out to my doctor’s office in the middle of a pandemic and I happen to know a bit about the medical field (only a bit) and I happen to know this doctor typically only takes on those who really, really need medical help and this has led me to worrying.

I have a family history of rheumatoid arthritis and almost certainly have it but my doctor won’t test until I come in with symptoms because it can result in false positives. That part made sense to me, but the rest didn’t…

Until I read that being treated for such a thing made you vulnerable to sickness. The thing was, they specified. Being treated for rheumatoid arthritis makes you vulnerable. 

Then I got to thinking…

If you can avoid flair-ups… I mean, the problem with rheumatoid arthritis is that your immunity is in overdrive and it ends up attacking the cartilage in your body.

For about two seconds I thought I’m immortal! and an evil laugh.

Anyhow, going out to the doctor causes me anxiety despite being on anxiety medication and needing to talk to the doctor about going off of my anxiety medication despite the pandemic that’s happening.

Let. Me. Fecking. Write.

This is the point where I’d be flipping my desk, if I were working at a desk.


In order to ease off and not fall back into that constant survival mode, I have to call, and then go, to the doctor.

Who I know, for a fact, has to go to the emergency room. Because laws and such. I didn’t know that before. If you end up in the emergency room for more than a couple hours, your doctor comes in to visit you.

Anyhow, that’s my problem. Someone email me tomorrow and tell me to call my doctor so I can get this sorted out and writing within a month.

Might need the money, considering I may be laid off next week…

The Trouble with Growing Pains

If you click here and are on a computer, you’ll see a bar with a little rounded arrow that slides the project to the left and into the menu. When I was first exploring this theme, that’s what it said it’d do with the blog posts.

I freaking loved it, so I selected the theme and now I can’t flipping find it again and I feel like this is all stubbed nonsense. The theme is about showing off portfolios. I think. 

I can’t remember.  But that’s what I want this to do. 

Roll the posts back into the side bar and out again if people would like to view them. I’d like the side bar to have links separated into like menus.

It just occurred to me how I might accomplish that second point, I will give it a shot. Worst that could happen is I start rage drinking, right?

The guides and how tos for both the theme and most things wordpress are half a decade old. They tell you to go through your control panel to change your theme. Or tell you to go through customization but then reference an option choice that isn’t there. Leaving me sitting at my computer feeling like a flipping idiot.

I used to do html coding. It was awkward and clunky and looked like a fourteen year old had done it. In my defense, though, I was fourteen at the time. I’m not stupid, I know how layouts and some coding works and I do know how to use Google to research what I need to be able to do other things. 

But freaking wordpress is a dead end? 

The problem may be that I don’t know what to call what I want to do. That happens all the time. I’m not entrenched in the world, I don’t know the jargon, it happens. 

But when your sample overlaid on my blog has the wheeling in and out of the blog posts, I expect the live version to do the same! 

Even researching the theme by name and asking for help, I got ads for the theme instead. I got places to purchase the theme, none of which appear to be the theme I’m looking for despite altering my terms to include wordpress. 

So, apparently, overnight my blog had no blog posts. Or pages. Or anything. Not because I set it and just walked away, I had been playing with it. But I thought at least the recent posts had taken to the sidebar.

I just want to shout at my screen, but as the floor/ceiling of my apartment is thin, I don’t want to wake anyone up. 

And the above? Is a portfolio. I thought if I added it, I’d be able to link it to the front page. Why allow me to host portfolios if you aren’t going to let me link them directly to the front page? Why would I go through a secondary page to link to a specialized page in the..


Don’t worry, I’m not just going to keep screaming at my screen. I’m going to look into a new theme. Several of them did boast about the portfolios being shown off on the home page and I’m hoping they aren’t jerking me around, or are stripped away to nothing by wordpress’s  “customization” option. Remember years ago when customization on a blog meant actual customization? When did wordpress become LiveJournal?