Tag: Contracted

When the Words dry up

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Bad words, bad, bad words.

Normally I use that sentence in place of a curse word, but this time around, I’m chastising the words that I’ve been chasing around for the past week. 

Some people call it writer’s block, I call it hypergraphia. 

I’m not just prolific, I have a need to write nearly everything down, otherwise it becomes painful. I physically ache when I can’t write when I need to. I’ve learned to offset it over the years, manipulating myself to keep from going completely mad and writing on the walls.

For me, it swings like a bipolar. There are periods of lots and lots of writing, then periods of nothing. At some point over the next couple weeks I’m going to hate anything to do with words. Mainly the written word, but verbal communication will fall drastically as well.

I’ve been trying to push through and finish Death Mask in the mean time. There’s a period of time after, as it’s coming back, that I read everything I can get my hands on. Last year during such a period, I did editing on the Contracted series. 

One of my bosses, years ago, said something that has always stuck with me: use your people to their strengths. Don’t put someone in sales who isn’t great at sales, put them on setup where they can achieve more and are happier.

When it comes to managing yourself, it’s the same thing. Know your strengths and weaknesses, know when you’ve reached your limit and when you need to wear a different hat for a little bit. I could just try and try and try to write. Just do that for the next year and end up maybe completing Death Mask in the next twelve months. 

That would be a chapter every two months for those who may be counting.

Or I can take a break and recharge my batteries. I know the fastest way to swing myself back around is to basically look like someone with no attention span. My favourite way of doing this is to watch something on the television while playing a game and reading a book at the same time. After a day of that the thrum starts up again, but it takes about six days straight for me to start that twitch and to rage quit all the things and go back to writing. 

I didn’t write while in Cuba, but it’s time for a break. I can’t just walk away from all this for a month. For starters, that’s a bad thing to do. It’s also just not possible for me to shut down the indie author in me, not without a bunch of alcohol. I’d rather not do that.

But I don’t want to market and I don’t have a book to edit. 

Do I? 

Oh, I could edit Contract Signed. That’s a thought that could work out. 

I will still have Death Mask with me and available to write. I will even look at it every day and on each commute. This time around I just wanted to huck my phone across the room. I wanted to play a game or something. 

I don’t have a game. Writing a blog post instead, just because I can’t handle that but I feel guilty for not working on it. I had such a great start yesterday before work. Then my day just killed my brain.

In the mean time, as I struggle with finishing a book that should have been done two weeks ago, I’m going to see about a website. Maybe pre-made covers and graphics as well. Maybe even the cover for Death Mask, that needs to be done and I can do it all without doing the words. 

So much for two trilogies in six months. Stupid, broken brain. 

I realize that without that brain being damaged the way it is, I wouldn’t be the author that I am. I get that, I do. And I know there needs to be balance, but I want to write. I have ideas this time, I have the plot written out! 

But my words have failed me. I stare mutely at my blinking cursor and just want to cry because I can see it, I can hear it, but it won’t come out of my head. 

So I have to wait. I have to sit on my stories and hold my own hand even though I want to shout and scream at myself. I know it’s not because I’m lazy, I know it’s not because I’m not ambitious enough or don’t have the time. It’s simply because I’m broken and it’s not the kind of broken that I can piece back together. 

That frustration isn’t going to help me any. 

Sometimes it’s hard to be kind to yourself, because you have plans and want to go places and do things but you just can’t. I’m more forgiving of other people’s mental health than I am of my own. I shouldn’t be surprised by that fact, but I am. 

And I know I need to take care of myself before I look outward on the world and try to make a change in what I see. That’s what I’ll do, but in that conflicted, “I’m upset because I’m crying because I’m angry with you because you worried me,” sort of way.

When Avoiding the Ending, do Other Work

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

It’s not that I have writer’s block, but that this happens when I get close to the ending of something. It happened with Contract Renewed and prematurely with Contract Sealed. There’s just something about ending a book that gives my brain a stutter and a little death.

I’ve been working on Wraith’s Rebellion since September. My fingers are trying to tell me that’s ten months. I’m not really trusting them at the moment, as I’m having difficulty moving the joints and that interferes with a lot of reasoning skills because of the pain.

If the damp could go away, I’d be ever so happy.

So working out the ending and saying goodbye to Quin and Helen is seriously messing with me. It’s not like there have been a lot of characters, this has been a very intimate story and unlike with Izzy and Nate… and Mr. W, it isn’t done and in the past. 

They just feel cozier to me, and I don’t want to give them up, but this will be the end of their story. The world might continue, but I don’t think they really come up again unless Anna does tell me her story, then it’d be text based communication only.

In the meantime I’ve been playing video games. Mainly because the arthritis is causing enough pain to drain me to the point of nothing, so by the time I get home from the day job there’s a fog in my eyes and I still have the nightly things to do, like dinner, dishes, and cats. 

Please buy my books so I can quit my day job.

I had never intended on full quitting, but it’s working with my hands. I know they say with arthritis to use it or lose it, but I can do stretches or colouring books, nail painting and fine work for cover design. Things which help with my career rather than help someone who yips and yaps at me because someone my age couldn’t possibly have arthritis and why am I not moving faster to serve their purpose?

I’m talking clients, not boss. The boss is quite understanding and we’re discussing training for another position because… well, hands.

In the meantime, while this stupid rain continues and the damp gets into my joints, I’ve started promoting At Death’s Door even though I swore I’d wait for more reviews on all the books before I did that. I’ve been considering setting out a cover goal for myself. 

One pre-made cover for each day off the regular job. Once I reach ten covers, I’ll start selling them. Take that money and reinvest it in the books. Etc and so on.

I’ve been considering getting a website. But here’s the thing. My credit card expires next month and I haven’t received the new one yet. I’m worried about starting and subscription service, in case the credit card company has decided my paying the card on time all but that one time isn’t good enough and and they don’t send me a new one.

It could seriously mess with my plans, but that’s life. Always kicking me in the face.

After all that trouble last year, I had a couple quiet months. Then on Sunday my kitchen ceiling started leaking. Did my job, notified the landlord. No response. Then on Thursday same thing, except four this time.

Did my job, notified the landlord and pointed out the mould growing on the ceiling now. Said he’d be there Friday.

I have no idea if he did anything. The ceiling isn’t leaking anymore but it’s not raining as hard. My kitchen smells like mould and mildew.

Know where you don’t want that stuff? In your food.

I’m so sick of chasing people with the same comment or question sixteen times, then having them act like I’m imposing on them because I want an answer as to what will be done about this thing that is their responsibility.

Answer the first time, and I won’t have to ask again.

So I need to look for a new place on top of everything else. Due to the area being an “up and comer” people are moving into it which is jacking up the rent. I can’t afford to move on my income, and I’m “well above” minimum wage.

I was told recently that minimum wage was meant to be living wage, how much you had to make to support a family. I can’t support myself on more than that! 

Not anymore, not with people jacking up the rent because people are moving from Toronto because they can’t afford to live there either.

Dear world, I was told there were breaks that people catch. You lied, I want a refund on hope invested so I can convert it into something more useful.

As an added note, I think my autocorrect is starting to lose its mind. Oh boy.

Setting Goals

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

If you only ever do… well, whatever, you’ll never get anything done.

My projects stand as follows: 

At Death’s  Door – complete

Cheating Death -3/4 written and still going strong. I’m just taking today to write a blog post before updating that more.

Death Mask -in planning stages.

Contract Signed -written, not yet edited. I’ve decided to do the second trilogy the way I did the first. As a lump sum, basically. 

Contract Sealed -1/4 written. While I should be working on this project, it is a BDSM erotica involving two men. One of whom is a Sadist. I have no problem reading what I’ve got, it’s quite entertaining, but I am not in the mindset necessary to continue on at this moment.

Contract Delivered -sort of planning stages.

His Grace -I started this as a side project over the weekend just to do something not attached to anything else, but found myself working on it last night when I tried Contract Sealed. So I’ve added it to the table. 

Rebecca – working title only. I think I’ve labeled this Pieces or Fragmented in the back of books. I’m trying to find the time, especially since it seems Masked Intentions isn’t going over poorly.

“Isn’t going over poorly” is as egotistical as I can manage at the moment. 

I could also add Prototype and a new book or two to the Vampires books. As well as two or three to D.o.t.A. 

Basically, I have all the plans in the world, but it’s that beast I’m starting to loathe that’s getting in the way: the day job. 

Let me just be clear on that, I only hate it because it’s in the way. I never quite intended on fully quitting. I want to be able to work part time there and write the rest of the time. Without a part time job, I can’t see me continuing at this pace. Those hours at work, the writing goes on the back burner and boils down or rises up. Like a good stock, or a loaf of bread.

Except I burn myself a great deal less.

So at the advice of Christina Quinn, I’ve set myself a word goal. 3k words a day. On a story, not a blog post or social media. 

It’s really quite easy, a couple of hours for me. I’ve knocked off that many words in the morning before work when I’m really focused, or into it. I can do that on the commute to work, then add some more on the way home. 

A goal set, is typically a goal kept with me. Every day I will aim for 3k words and I will try not to beat myself up when I inevitably fail. 

At that rate, I could write a book in a month, two if I do 3k on commutes and at home. But for now, it’s just 3k total. 

I did that last night, then was going to try another 3k. Then I looked up and spotted the video game controller I purchased weeks ago with the intention of taking a break and playing a game. Instead of pushing forward, I opened the controller  (because it was still in the box) and played a video game. 

I have set a goal, and until I’ve adjusted to it, that’s as far as I’m going. 3k words a day, then work on other things. Marketing, editing, covers, playing video games, even cleaning my apartment. Something besides writing.

I can do this.

Graphic Design

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

I have been working for the past two weeks non-stop pretty well. Getting back into the swing of things, which is great.

I’ve completed another edit of At Death’s Door, and that will be my focus until April 1st, which is when I hope it goes live.

I’ve finished writing the first draft of Contract Signed, and gotten about a quarter of the way through Contract Sealed.

I’ve reached chapter 15, or about three quarters of the way through the second book of Wraith’s Rebellion, which I’m thinking of titling Cheating Death, instead of Death Mask.

After some research, some conversations and a bit of work for relearning, I’ve decided to get back into graphic design. I did this as a teen, though not in any sort of a serious sense. Just dabbling on my mother’s computer with Paintshop Pro because the only games we had were solitaire and pinball.

And I was really bored of pinball. I also only had her images to play with, which also got boring. What she had and what I wanted would sometimes overlap, but not always.

Let’s face it: graphic design is the second most expensive part of indie publishing. The first being editing, and the third I think being formatting.

Anyone can do cover design. How nice your cover designs turn out depend on practice, eye, and equipment. Like last night, I discovered that I need an actual mouse pad to do this, because my mouse ‘bounces’ and then ruins my freestyle select two thirds of the way around an image that the smart select can’t find.

It also takes patience. A different kind of patience than what writing or editing or marketing take.

I have the eye, I have enough ability to look at covers for At Death’s Door and be like, “hey, this is how that’s put together!” What I lack at the moment are the practice and the patience. Of course, I have no patience because I want to get At Death’s Door up for preorder, and I have little practice because of the same thing.

There’s at least two more edits and one final read through before it can go live. One of the edits, I’m going to start tomorrow before I read through it and then do the read for the final edit, then read again for problems. Hopefully by then, my beta readers have gotten back to me.

The most I’ve done for graphics was slap a transparency on my header photo for Facebook and Twitter, then add text. So impressive. It also took me an hour to do. Don’t get me wrong, I had a ton of fun doing it, but that was an hour of work from At Death’s Door.

I may use graphic design as a way to unwind, I’m not going to lie.

And while writing this post, I found an image I want to touch and play with. Excuse me, while I go sign up for a website and see if they let me play before purchase.

Difficulty Focusing

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

 

I’m trying to focus for Contract Signed, but I’m outside of the plot I had written down so I’m kind of in my own marsh style area. Seven more chapters to go, I kind of have a gist of an idea of what and how. Because the what and how of before didn’t really change all too much.

On the vampire front, I’m on chapter six of Death Mask now and that’s going fairly well. Again, I’ve broken outside of my plot just a little bit. But this break was by mashing two chapters together because it worked better as one rather than separated.

What I should do, is when I get home start edits on At Death’s Door.

Or work on edits while at work on break and before my shift starts. I could do that too. Except I need to have laser focus for this edit and there are people who talk to me while I’m sitting there. I think they think I’m joking when I say I’m working?

I also have to take the time to set up the… I don’t have a clever name for it yet. The book where I’m going to put all my worlds in one place so that I stop whining about all the ideas I’m chasing and the possibility of losing them. This way I can add and snippets of plot to the book. When I’m done writing Wraith’s Rebellion and the new Contracted trilogy, I can just open the book, grab a page and off I go.

In theory.

I’ve been starting to think of what I’d do if I quite my day job, how would the writing run. Just sleeping until I wake up doesn’t do it for me, not if I want to be productive. So I was thinking if I can manage it, I’d have a seven am start, maybe earlier some days, with coffee. That’d give me a couple of hours to do some writing before a majority of people are even up.

Or stores open, because I’d still have to go out and buy groceries and stuff.

I’d probably work a set schedule, like Monday to Friday, seven to whenever I went to bed. I’d probably end up wheeling that back to like five and then taking the rest of the night “off” to pursue whatever projected I wanted to or to just play video games. Take weekends, holidays, and festival days off.

I know I sound like a crazy person. I know my first book just went up in September. I know that I don’t have a firm date for the next book to come out, or a real plan to get the others out at this moment. I know I’m writing every day instead of editing.

I also know I’m not marketing, but everyone wants 15+ reviews on Amazon, I don’t meet that requirement yet and I’m not going to pay for reviews. So I have to actually wait on that.

But at the end of the day, I am a planner. I want to plan for the eventuality of not working a day job so that when I get off the job, when I get home that first night, then the next morning? I can get up and I know what I’m going to do and I know how I’m going to do it. Without planning now, getting it thought out and the kinks figured out as much as I can, I’ll spend weeks, or even months caught in a bog of trying to figure it out as I go.

So I’m planning and thinking now. How can I do this, what is the best use of my time?

Oh gosh, I’d be able to eat meals at a table instead of at the computer as I typed one handed…

Back to Work (again)

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Seven weeks behind, I think it’s safe to say I’m throwing out some expletives in frustration. I need some project I can tick off as complete before I start getting disoriented by this pile of work that’s building up.

Need to get back into the routine. Death Mask on the phone, Contract Signed at home. Whatever I can manage at work.

Today “whatever I can manage at work” is formatting for both Contract Broken and Contract Renewed. I got the wraps back, thankfully my cover designer found time among planning a wedding, working full time, and running her own writing job.

Thinking about how much was on her plate does not make me feel better about me being seven weeks behind.

Seven weeks! That’s like two books written and one edited with how quickly I normally work.

I’m also concerned because I have another doctor’s appointment next week. My concern, of course, being that the last appointment took me out for a week. My skull was vibrating like a tuning fork even on Saturday.

I do have a plan, but I also had a plan last week and it did not work.

Then again, I didn’t expect to have two trips to a lab and an extra trip to the doctor because she forgot to tick a box off…

Still, I’ve never done this before and don’t know what my reaction will be. 

So there’s that concern. 

In the mean time, if my bus ever shows up, I am going to write on my commutes, I’ve got the tablet to do the formatting at work, and I do have a plan for edits and writing once I get home. I even had a plan to write this morning. 

I find, however, that I can work better if I read the last chapter to get in the mindset sort of thing. So I drank my coffee and read chapter eleven of Contract Signed. 

I don’t recall writing it, but my goodness.

There are so many things I could be doing, if not for the day job. It’s aggravating because all my energy when I get sick or injured… or have no water for three weeks… goes towards the day job because the bills have to be paid.

Gotta get back to work. That’s my mantra now. 

Gotta get back to work.

The Missing Link

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Or in this case, too many links.

Prototype has been on my work desk, so to speak, since September when it seemed to fight every step of the way. Since then I’ve revisited it in the planning stages several times. Each time I can only shrug and put it back on the shelf, uncertain of what happened.

I think I figured it out. 

I  was walking to the bus stop and thinking about Contract Signed which is m/m. That’s definitely not everyone’s cup of tea and Signed would be my first published m/m so those who are not long time readers are not going to be expecting it so much.

Just because I keep talking about it, doesn’t mean people are listening. In fact, for me it almost guarantees that no one who the warnings are for are listening. That’s the way it goes, how it’s always gone.

So, walking to the bus stop, I’m trying to figure out how to word that once the trilogy is complete and ready to go. It kind of comes to me, except inside my head me was all “if you don’t like this, give me about an hour.”

And I went, “What the fuck does that mean? Who can come up with a solution in an hour? This is problem solving time, not fantasy!”

To which the voice inside my head said something very mean.

A few minutes later I was presented with another status update that started with, “and for all you readers, here’s a m/f story.”

To which I did role call to try to put something in that spot.

Prototype is always at the top of role call. Every month I’ve started, or said I was going to start, a new story, Prototype is the first story brought up as a possibility. 

This time the voice didn’t ask. The world was dumped on me and then we proceeded arguing with one another about it being broken and which of us was to blame for it being broken. 

Yes, I talk and argue with myself inside my head. But it’s nice to have a sounding board sometimes. 

At some point the voice in my head started ripping scenes out of Prototype and basically throwing them out as I protested that it couldn’t go. We needed that and that and…

And then it hit me in the face with the pared down version. 

Which had removed the general world building and just focused on the characters.

“It’s a series. There will be plenty of time for world building in books two to sixty.”

Yes! 

I don’t know when I’ll be able to work on it again. Nearly everything but chapter one news to be thrown out. That’s okay though. It’s not the first time I’ve had to start from scratch on a story.

Just Keep Writing 

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Three weeks, I could not work. Which is now totalling about six weeks out of work. Driving me crazy, is what it is. 

Masked Intentions goes live in nine days and I don’t have the final draft up. Not because I have been lazy or because it needs more work, but because I haven’t been capable of work for six weeks. 

I think I had two days around Christmas before everything went to hell.

I haven’t been on social media or marketing or anything. My sales reflect that. And I can maintain that…

If I can work. 

So now I have to make that all a habit again. Get back to working on all the things.

The moment everything was fixed, I went back to writing. But I’m now six weeks behind on my plan. That really messes with everything. 

I couldn’t even write on my phone, so Death Mask isn’t written yet, it’s in a perpetual state of half-done chapter one. So I’m skipping ahead to chapter two and will return to chapter one later on. 

On the computer, I’m writing the Signed trilogy, which resides in the Contracted world. This is Nate’s story, so m/m and bdsm, and all that explosion of crazy. I completely blame Nate and his Master. They kept messing with me so I figured I’d start the world up again to torment them and it all just came spilling out. 

At Death’s Door will probably have to wait until March for release, so that I can do all the fixes that I was supposed to do over the last six weeks. It’s going to take longer because I can no longer remember what the fixes are. So now I need to read the entire thing before I can start edits so that I can get the bigger picture again and catch all the problems.

So annoying.

Because all I want to do is write. 

Sure, I could ship this work out to someone else, but that costs money I don’t have, and I’m not earning from the books themselves. In the last month I’ve only sold one book.

Probably because I couldn’t do anything or access anything or get my head to work. 

I’m on kdp select, and discovered that Contract Taken was up for free days. I’ve grabbed three and have moved a few free copies with the help of marketing and some from social media.

This morning the book was sitting at #9 on Amazon’s free-romance section. Suppose that’s good, but we’ll have to see how that goes.

A review blog somehow picked up my book and listed it. It’s weird because I don’t recall applying to them or anything of that sort. I’m not certain how I landed on that page, basically. They also made a “review” on Goodreads that was just the description.

I have no idea what their plan is, but I’m afraid to ask.

When everything was in the middle of breaking, Dorian did something stupid. He booked a trip to Cuba for the two of us at at five star resort.

I’ve never been to Cuba, and we all know I’m not comfortable being gifted expensive things. Hence why he’s stupid. 

I appreciate it, I will try my darndest to enjoy the trip, but accepting such a gift makes me uncomfortable. Even if I had purchased the ticket myself, I’d probably be uncomfortable. That’s money I could put into covers or marketing.

I’m starting to sound like Beth. While I’m not certain that’s a bad thing, it does sound a little crazy. If I had the money to go to Cuba, I should go to Cuba. Experience for an author is absolutely necessary.

Who knows, it could spawn a story. I could end up writing a best selling novel because I want to Cuba.

Oh, but think of the promotions I could have bought with that money… Bookbub and ENT and all the things. Such shiny things.

Suppose a beach and all inclusive resort stay will have to do. 

Signed – or Why I Hate How my Mind Works

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

I can no longer play games on my desktop, it’s that messed up. It was a free upgrade, and still works for things like editing and writing. Basically, my computer is forcing me to work when I wanted to play video games.

This time of year is high stress for me. I want to relax sometimes and just unwind by killing things in a wasteland, or lighting my dolls on fire. 

Instead, I opened Signed yesterday afternoon and started writing. The first chapter took six hours to write, the second two. I was up until almost two in the morning writing when I wanted to be playing a game and taking over the world.

I dreamed of Signed last night. 

This is a problem with me, and I know it is. Sometimes I get caught on tangents and can’t get off until it’s written out. The entire trilogy is acting like that.

All at once. 

I’ve had books overlap before, both playing out on repeat inside my head as I finish one and am going to start another, but never three. And certainly not from the beginning of the first book. Two chapters in, Nathaniel’s Master is tying him up in all kinds of places and doing all sorts to him. 

Half of it won’t even make it into the book, a line has to be drawn somewhere, damn it. 

More just keeps getting tossed onto the pile. And more. 

Then Dorian made a comment, because he’s expressed a desire to be there when I do research on these things. I suppose, so he knows what he’s getting himself into. 

“Why in male/male domination porn does one always where that little strap thing over their shoulders?”

If you saw it, you’d know the one he meant. It’s the kind of thing that might hold wings on for a Halloween costume, except made of leather.

At those words, Mr. Wrightworth popped into my head, grabbed a random male character, slapped one on him and grabbed it by the strap that runs between the shoulder blades. 

“Men typically don’t have hair to tangle a hand it, a grip on a shoulder does not give the control one needs. With this, however…”

Thanks for that thought, Mr. Wrightworth. 

“Aya, why do you have that look on your face?” Dorian asked.

I could only whimper in response. 

It is with great uneasiness that I head into work, worried about what might happen in my errant thoughts. I plot my stories at work. Most  of the time this isn’t a problem at all and all revolves around PG13 type of material. 

Smutt is left for the bus rides or at home. Work is the place to figure out how they say things and what the reaction would be to having breakfast taken away.

Nathaniel and his Master don’t seem to want to obey my rules though. They don’t react to threats to beat them, because they went into this knowing things were not going to go well for them.

So my uttering threats does absolutely nothing. I can’t threaten the other of them, holding one hostage because… I don’t even know why. 

I have two days off coming up. Without the ability to play games I only have one hope: a writing marathon to get as much of Signed written as I can before I go back to work.

That’s right, I’m aiming for a fifty thousand word weekend, if only to shut the pair of them up for a few hours.

Wish me luck.