A couple of posts have been made private. They involved a co-worker I am having trouble with. Made private because someone showed her how to find my personal facebook and then showed her locked information which only stated I had cried, and apparently when my experience is dismissed and I’m talked over, I cry.
From how she spoke, I felt she believed I had threatened her, like I had come right out and made a physical threat in that one little post. I’m confident and comfortable sharing that post with everyone, but it was under a friends only lock.
The one who showed her my personal information has been removed, but I had to privatize the posts for fear of what she might read between lines that aren’t even there.
As many of you read, there was nothing threatening in the posts. There was nothing threatening because I only threaten people sarcastically and I need to know they know I’m joking before I do so.
I suppose that’s not quite true. I have threatened to hit a man three times my size if he didn’t leave right away. I also threatened to have someone arrested if they laid hands on me again.
And then did so.
The issue, of course, blew up in my face like it always does. Coming from a specific background, I have certain reactions that happen but I’ve worked very hard on them. I no longer black out during ‘discussions,’ but when I realize they aren’t listening, when they are only interested in beating me down, I start crying.
I can’t win and I want to rage or scream or swear, but instead I cry.
Mental health isn’t just one day strapping on your big-girl panties and being better. I try to show that with my characters, so yeah, I suppose I draw on real life because some moments of struggle the characters have are things I’ve had to work through. To me, it makes them more real. I hope readers feel the same way.
The result of yesterday?
I cried like I haven’t cried since I found an ex laying in his own blood, since he screamed at me everything was my fault and then stormed out of our apartment, still bleeding everywhere. I haven’t cried like that since I was on my hands and knees, cleaning up his blood, trying to figure out where I could go, how I could escape.
Oh yeah, there’s a bit of a fucked up past up in here.
I get asked a lot, “why would you put your characters through that?”
“That, it’s godawful.”
“That’s a Tuesday. Just… give me the book back.”
“That’s not even the problem or the climax or the bad guy, just… just give it back. You’ll have nightmares.”
I’m not saying my life has been godawful, but it’s been… colourful. Character building. In the words of a good friend of mine: Enough has happened that I have fodder for a million books.
So, when I get like that, I bawl my eyes out. My heart galloped in my chest, it’s rhythm completely out of place. I almost thought I was having a heart attack of some sort.
I’ve made changes to my life to protect myself and help myself that I have been practically normal for a few years. So normal that I forgot there’s a level of crying where your diaphragm starts trying to jump into your throat. That your stomach can heave, and you make that godawful wailing sound even when you’re trying to calm yourself down and your mind is calm but your body is just like, “FUCK IT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO END.”
Not like, end as in dead, just end as if the day. Straight to bed is what needs to happen.
I cried on and off for about four hours. In front of customers, because I’d be helping them and it’d just start again.
The why now seems distant. The why doesn’t matter as much. My reaction bothers me. I want to be able to put my foot down and say, “No. It’s not because I’m tired or stretched thin. It’s because I take issue with your actions.”
After that day, I still went bowling. Now I ache, in a good way. Every time I stand up, I think of Mr. Wrightworth. I started reading Contract Claimed yesterday morning. About halfway through.
I really wish this was longer. If not a trilogy, a duo. Almost inhaled a mouthful of coffee over the brunch scene.
I almost missed an assignment due date because I was so stressed out. Yes, I’m using that word even though the assignment is for Interpersonal Communication and we just learned the word is used too much.
I also clued out on a freaking Computer Test.
I know what they are, I just sometimes lapse on their actual names and uses.