Tag: anxiety

Week Eight (Day Five)

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Fuck this week.

I’m definitely in a mood. Such moodiness from me. I just want to growl, steal a bunch of chocolate and wine, and hide in the corner.

Sooooo…. the work starting in January is likely going to be a Wolf trilogy (previously called Bitches) I both hate and love you for that jab, so thanks.

That takes me writing wise almost to the end of school.

See, the issue is that I can’t write smut while in school. It’s obviously not appropriate, even if I do it on my breaks. So that has to be done while at home and such. I’m pretty freaking good, but I can’t write a book that fast (especially smut) if I’ve only got the time when I’m at home, which is usually an hour or so a day.

So. I’ve got two slots open for un-smutty stories. No, sorry, three.

Hmm, a trilogy would fit in there quite nicely.

Grim Haven is sitting about 70k words right now, so about 70% done. I’m loving this format I’m working with. As that word count goes up in a file I always slow down but because it’s broken up into bits, it’s much faster.

So much faster.

If I can figure out the editing, I now have a freaking problem. A BIG freaking problem.

I have too many books done and ready for publishing. If I do one a month through the year, I’ve got something coming out every month until… oh gosh, June of 2020 or so? Mainly with what’s already written.

Guys, help me figure out faster editing, fer realsies. I’m borderline two books every month and that’s super exciting considering the list I have going. I want all those ideas down and done so that when I sit at my computer I can just snag whatever crazy idea I have.

Like a reverse harem that’s now dancing about because I took it from Daisy. Or that Visitor’s book, or Prototype and all the ones from Aurora.

Omg. Can I just quit and become a hermit and just do this writing thing full time for a year?

No. No, I can’t. But I am determined and ambitious and am trying to look around for solutions.

I’ve got problems, I know I’ve got problems, I’m trying to solve them. Not being able to get over 12k words in a day is a problem for me. Not being able to edit faster, or not being able to ship a story out to an editor, is a problem for me.

I’m in a high word count group and saw they were mentioning some kind of sprint thing over and over again without explaining what it was. So, I asked and basically got eye rolls and “If you’re in *this other group* go there, and look her up.”

Thanks for the non-answer.

When I finally figured it out I realized I’m doing something similar but with short sprints and long gaps because I’m writing on my breaks and then paying attention in class. I commented and said I want to break through the 12k ceiling to which someone told me it was really good to be at 12k and I should be happy.

Yeah, it’s also really good that I had a part-time job, but I’m not going to sit around with a thumb up my ass because it’s really good. I want better. I expect better. Making it past that 12k ceiling is my next level. I’m glad you’d want to plateau but I don’t want to. I want to keep going because I’ve got this and this and this and this.

See what I was saying? I’m mood as all hell.

And ‘thumb up (my) ass’ is a saying my father used to use a lot. And possibly my mother. It’s an actual saying. If you’ve got a thumb up there, you can’t do much besides pleasure yourself? I don’t know where the origin comes from, it just seemed appropriate.

But the response I got was also a non-answer.

I discovered files in Word are supposed to display editing time, so the time you have the file open and as the active window. Except mine displays a big fat 0 while everyone else in the class shows a number.

I looked it up and the only answer I found was “some people are in places where privacy prevents Windows from logging such things,” which is all well and good. Completely understand, except everyone else around me has that number, we all got the program in the same country, we all live in the same country, most of us are citizens of the same country.

So, I asked. They gave me the same response. I supplied the information about my peers and was told that it’s a useless thing anyhow because this and this and this and if I want something that actually works I should go looking for one. Because it. Is. Useless. If you ever leave the computer or forget to close the window.

Thanks for the non-answer.

That’s not what I asked. I didn’t ask for excuses. I didn’t ask to be told how I’m wrong because I want to use this thing.

I freaking asked how to freaking turn the freaking counter on!

“This is how you do it. But I think it’s useless.”

Bam, their answer with what I’m looking for at the same time.

The only fecking answer I got this week was when I fished for editing tips and someone answered me on my personal facebook timeline. Thank you, person, for being the only one this week to actually answer my question.

Suppose it’s time for a school update too, huh?

Four tests this week, Writing was probably the worst. I’m desperately trying to pay attention in these classes but I’ve found myself gazing out the window in a daze. Physically I’m tired and emotionally I’m exhausted. Mentally I’m still here and alert but I’ve just had such trouble paying attention to anything for long.

In Document Formatting we’re starting to get into things I don’t know much about. You’d think that’d make me perk up but I almost fell asleep. The instructor does not have a quiet voice, she has us doing things through the course, basically doing what’s she’s teaching on our screens so we get the experience.

You’d think I’d be very alert.

Nope.

And Writing? We’re starting on punctuation and such. And you’d think, really think that because I want to improve my editing skills and get quicker at it that I’d be very alert during that class and reading all the things.

Nope.

Math I pay attention in though. Not a clue why. I mean, I like math in general, but I also like document formatting and writing sooooo… of all the things not to pay attention to, I’d think my brain would lapse at Math.

Nope.

Interpersonal Communication seems to be going okay. I’m trying to, you know, talk to people and such. But weeks like this one are hard.

When people interrupt me, give me the dead eyes look as they just sort of stare past me, ignore what I’m saying, tell me I’m wrong, give me non-answers.

I think I’m worn out again, emotionally. I had a day off just this past Sunday, but I used that time to rewrite blurbs on most of my books. Even that is emotionally wearing for me. My next day off is next Saturday. I’ll have two days off in a row. I think a bath and wine are calling my name again. Time for some self-care.

And, in the mean time, I’m going to keep writing. Because some people knit when stressed out.

I write.

Week Eight

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Quick updated, I guess this is.

Mid-terms are this week and I’m thoroughly bored with school and trying to pay attention so I’ve started Grim Haven, writing on breaks and the like. I then wind up paying attention in class so that I can get the homework done the first time without having to redo it because I read through too quickly or something. Chapter seven is about to start so 30k words since Wednesday at lunch or so.

It was a long week, starting on Tuesday for work. The assistant has had to request a leave of absence and will be gone through most of our busy season. We have a new full-time of my position, which is good, except she’s still learning and we can’t lean on her. There’s also the problem co-worker but we can’t lean on her either.

Which leaves two functioning members able to do things like opening and closing. Me and the boss. So, with the new one off next week for training in another store, which thankfully is in their slow period due to their location and the fact that everyone travels south from them for the winter, she’s working something like… three weeks in a row?

Then she’s off because she booked time off before and tickets are already booked, or else her time off would probably be cancelled. Then she gets stats off basically.

Oh. My. God.

All I’m thinking about is how crazy I got doing the same thing. I like her, I respect her, I don’t want her to suffer just so I can be comfortable so I’ll be doing basically whatever she needs me to do over the next six to eight weeks.

So… I could be working Tuesday to Sunday and only have Monday’s off. She’s going to probably give me every other Sunday off because we did discuss how I can’t do that again because I go freaking crazy and just can’t do it again.

In school it’s all simple for me (for now) and we’re taking tests all this week so last week was so boring. We were reviewing and I knew the stuff and I’m struggling to stay focused in class because what if I miss something, right? I’d rather get it down now than struggle on the job. Which was why I started writing Grim Haven. It’s a weird thing, but it works so I’m going with it.

But due to work, I’m not at 50 or 60k words like I was with Grim Port after the same number of days.

With that all coming up, there’s been a change to the plan.

See, I have three weeks in December. Grim Travels will be done in that time. Which means I’ll be sitting on a lot more books.

Hera needs to be edited and published before the Grim books. So what is it now? Box set of Wraith’s Rebellion in January, Box set of The Reaping in February. Hera in March, then Grim from April to June and the box set in July. I’m desperately wishing for an editor and cover designer now.

I’ve got all these books on backlog but haven’t the inclination to edit them, I just want to write more. Which, I mean, in a way is good. But because of my position and how things are going, I can’t just not edit.

My beta is a lot of help, but she can only work if the freaking printer works. And no one in town seems to have ink! I went to exchange a non-functioning cartridge and they were out of ink again, they had to give me a refund even though it was against store policy. I mean, all I was going to ask was if I could come back with the cartridge in a few days and exchange it then because they said they were going to receive a shipment.

I might have a line on an inexpensive cover designer who does good work, so the styles could be changing some, but that’s actually the part I like the most. Of the two, I meant, editing and cover design, I prefer doing cover design, I just don’t have the time for it like I thought I would. I have to be at the computer and the computer has to be behaving, otherwise I have long gaps where I can’t get anything done because the program is thinking because the hard drive is a piece because it’s an Acer.

I really hope I can afford an SSD drive for my next computer. That would be just fantastic.

 

Week Seven

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Sorry for the absence here. Those who follow my Facebook Page have probably been following along over the past nine days and what a doozy it’s been.

Had a hypergraphic episode. It probably ended Friday, but I was about halfway through then so I figured I’d push on through. Might have hit again today, but that was also likely triggered by anxiety.

Which hit me Sunday morning. And then my boss texted me at home. “What exactly happened last night?”

That’s never what you want to hear, especially when you’re at home, from someone who usually respects that work barrier. So the anxiety definitely get worse, but Sunday started it because I forgot to take my morning pills which include a St. John’s Wort. I don’t know why the anxiety is riding so high in just general.

It sucks, really, because until June it wasn’t that high.

Now, I did start driving myself on Friday, maybe this is just an adjustment period. It’s been a long time since I’ve driven myself and I definitely miss it. I like being the only one in the vehicle with music playing. It’s relaxing, really. Especially night driving, which I know lots of people don’t like, but I like it. There’s this calm of night driving, there are fewer vehicles on the road then and less to deal with, I guess.

It’s just a bad mental health week for me. I want to cry and don’t know why. I want to hide, don’t know why. Instead, I force a smile and try to function but it sucks, really.

Yesterday I told my cousin we should leave earlier if he wants to be dropped at the front doors. There’s a traffic circle by the front doors and the idea of going in there caused a mini-attack while I was in the car.

So, you know, picking him up is going to be fun.

He, of course, has never grappled with anxiety, so he demanded to know why that would cause anxiety.

I don’t think I said it would cause anxiety. I think I said it would cause an anxiety attack. Growing up I got that a lot. Bullshit about how mental health is in your head and there’s nothing to be sad about, blah blah, ignore it and it’ll totally go away.

Mind you, that’s why I get out of bed now, but having someone ask that actually caused me more problems. Thankfully I answered.

“Because… anxiety, it’s… bad.”

I finished Grim Port today and I’ve just got a lovely little feeling but underneath it all is the anxiety. It’s back and kicking into high gear as I sit for work.

It’s not my usual day to work, but there was a sudden need. It’s also that particular co-worker’s night to close.

And I’m already a bundle of tears and nervous anxiety wrapped up in attention problems and way too much energy.

Wonder if I have an attention disorder… No, I can pay attention fine when I want to.

I’m not worried about the past. I’m not worried about the future. I’ve got a handle on finances so far. I get paid this week and then pay out from that, but that didn’t even register until this second. So all that stuff that’s been flicking me in the nose, basically, over the past couple of months isn’t doing that.

A few ratings and reviews have come in for Seed and they’ve been good so far.

Unless it’s just one of those… calm panics.

It’s this weird thing that one of my friends from high school pointed out. I lived with her for a while and after a year, I started trying to find an apartment. I didn’t want to move out, she didn’t want me to move out, but it was just this… this instinct. I started panicking because I was in the same place for so long.

Turns out that can happen. Nothing bad goes wrong after a lifetime of explosions and after a few weeks of quiet, you start seeing everything as a problem. It’s a pretty big struggle to get over, but possible.

Maybe it’s just that. It’s like I expect someone to fling something at my head or something. Like just getting ready for it and panicking ahead of time because I’m trying to find out where the thing swung at my head is going to come from.

Hopefully, not my boss. She texted me Sunday, today is Tuesday, I haven’t seen her since.

School is going all right. We changed from Keyboarding to Document Formatting last week and I’ve learned a bit, but I miss the hour of music to unwind as I did typing, of being wrapped up in me and my worlds while I did some work. It was nice. I’m learning from Document Formatting though, so I’m still trying to pay just as much attention there as anywhere else.

Some of the other students have decided having two tests on one day is too much, having five in a week is way too much, and they’re trying to get things pushed. I don’t want them pushed and it seems these other students know that. It upsets them that I want to stick to the schedule.

How often have you gone to your boss needing an extension on something? Need it because it happens to fall on the same day as some other deadline?

For me? Uh, I think three times in twelve years. Otherwise, you try to skip out on a deadline and you’re in a lot of trouble. Deadlines, stress, it’s a part of any job.

Plus, I mean, they were talking about taking the accounting test from Tuesday with Math and moving it to Wednesday where we’re having a writing test. So. Rather than have the two math tests the same day, they want to switch it up and do math and then english and think that somehow it will help them out?

I just, I dunno, guys, that sounds like a bad idea.

Over lunch I got passive aggressively chastised again because I’m not having trouble. So, yet again, I explained that it’s just this semester I know almost everything for. Next semester I’d be in the same boat as everyone else.

I mean, my grades are between 90 and 99% right now. I watch others try to argue with the instructor about what should and should not count as right. Or, I explain to them how to do it and they say they understand then I watch them go to the rest of the class on another day with the same question.

Get the same answer. Then go to the instructor with the question.

Up and leave at 3pm every day, and the instructors do not look impressed at all.

Skipping class, texting in class. I’m seeing this all and I’m just thinking omg because they all seem to think that… that the instructors don’t literally have a file on each of us. They’ve told us as much. There is a file with everything in it, if we’re late, our emails to them, what we wear, how we behave, if we work with others.

I’m not sure how much clearer that could be made.

And there I am at the back of the class feeling self-conscious if I take too many notes because they might think I’m writing or something. For Googling the answers to questions I want that aren’t being taught in class (maybe because they’re being taught later, but I don’t know…)

Can I just take a mental health week? Just stay home, build a blanket fort, and sleep the whole week away.

Oh, that’s right, I can’t. Because I have to work and I have to go to school and in between I have to try to do cleaning and maintaining of things otherwise I’ll drive myself crazy.

Winter break is about seven weeks away. Then we’ve got three weeks off in a row. During which time I need to pick up whatever hours work is willing to offer me. It’s all this have to and got to and must haves. But even if I work every hour they’re allowed to give me, it’s not really making any impressive number.

Yay, life.

Where’s my damned sarcasm font?

Week Five (Day Four)

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

This week has been weird for me. Maybe it’s because my stress level has dropped, or because it’s a short week? I dunno. Not much into writing or anything besides school work.

In my defense, I have school work to do. Like reading that book for Interpersonal Communication. But I’m also in a mood and my notes are crabby. Basically, the book tells you to tap into the narcissistic nature of humans.

That makes me crabby, but what can you do about it? Not much at all. It’s play that game or hide in the corner your whole life. And some people you don’t feel like you’re inflating their already enormous egos. It’s just that I’m in some kind of “angry at humanity” mood.

Maybe it’s the announcements about climate change. Maybe it’s the rumour I saw about a certain president saying our climate is actually good or better than ever or… whatever terminology he used.

It is not, it is not better than ever.

Or maybe it’s this pressure to dress up for Halloween when we’re grown adults and Halloween no longer means candy and disposable culture and capitalism to me, the… theist?

I’m probably just in a mood. I know a few people who would tell me I’m tired and need to keep my thoughts to myself. Those people never seem to realize that I always feel that way. When I get in these moods, it just reduces the likelihood of not telling people they’re stupid or wrong. The rest of the time I resist because I know that telling people they’re stupid doesn’t change how stupid they are.

It usually makes them dig in their heels.

Now I feel like I sound like my mother.

Ah, well.

I did some writing in The Others but didn’t finish the post. No editing on Harvest which reminds me, once I do start that again, it’ll be a day or two until I need more pages.

Seed launches in four days, Contract Taken goes back up in price on most markets, along with all the Contracted books going up to the same pricing as the other books (3.99). Then next Wednesday or so, after the pre-orders are downloaded, Seed also goes up in price.

Amazon finally has Seed and Crop linked but haven’t linked Harvest yet which is really annoying. Do they know how many pre-orders I’m losing out on because their bots aren’t doing their jobs anymore? It’s really making it seem like you need to contact them now for each book to be added to a series, which is ridiculous.

It’s a waste of time and money on their part, the amount they’d have to spend just to keep up with the books. Some of the writers in one of my groups seem like they release a book every two weeks.

Wouldn’t that be fabulous?

But for a company to do that, it’s a waste of time. They could better spend their money ramping up and re-training their customer service, providing a better experience to the customers, thus fewer complaints which mean less loss of income.

I don’t even know why I was thinking of it like that. I’m scatterbrained today. So very scatterbrained. Just here and there and all over the place.

We have a test in keyboarding, but it’s a theoretical proofreading test, which was fine until I discovered that she wanted us to memorize all the marks, which no one in class knew. At least, no one seems to have known. Sucks, but at least I found out beforehand and somehow I got it right on the pretest.

Though, to be fair, that was because I looked at the page as an editor and asked myself what I’d do in that case.

Thank goodness I’ve edited before.

There’s currently a debate going on about what that assignment meant, as there were four lines we had to type out and do the marks in there. Half the class say it’s one paragraph, half that they’re new lines.

I’m in the new line camp because if that’s a paragraph, someone needs to take a writing course. Oh my, it’s more all over the place than I am. Talking about an address, then a donation, and … instructions for work, I think?

She had the answer key up for about ten minutes on the e-learning thing and I’m almost certain I’m right, but because so many people are debating it, I’m questioning myself now. Kind of sucks to do as you go into a test, especially since you can’t just turn on marks like you can in a word document.

Ah, well, I’ve already passed this course so if I fail the test because I did the wrong thing, not that big a deal.

Especially since I just discovered it’s worth 5% and I already have a final grade that’s higher than any of my grades from high school. So I need to stop over thinking that.

Week Four (Day Five)

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Wrote almost 5000 words yesterday on Mr. Wrightworth’s novella.

I went looking through available movies this morning and there are actually a couple I’d want to watch so that’s what I’m doing Sunday.

Movies, writing, bath, and wine. Not all four at the same time, but a combination of them throughout the day.

Yesterday during work I ached again. It’s this weird all over tenderness. Like I got super drunk, that’s what the feeling is.

Like I drank way too much and now my whole body is protesting. Haven’t had wine in weeks.

… Haven’t had stronger alcohol in months.

This morning my throat is scratchy again, but it has been for two weeks. I’ve been fighting off this cold and fighting off this cold. Maybe that’s why my body aches.

I assume it’s stress and fighting off a cold that’s making me ache. Growing up I was told emotions are just in my head. Like we should all strive to be Vulcan or something, but let’s admit that they do alter our body chemistry. I’m almost certain I’ve seen studies on it.

So my body is in permanent hang over mode. Don’t worry, I don’t plan on making it worse this weekend. A couple of glasses of wine and then early to bed.

Unless I’m almost finished the novella. We all know I can’t sleep with a project almost finished.

Forgot to eat this morning, ishk. Except not eating in time makes me sick, but eating too much also makes me sick. The school has a little cafe, but the only things my diet allows is fruit (ish) except they only had apples.

Because everyone loves apples, right?

They make me physically ill unless I’m in the mood for an apple. Way too sweet too.

So I had a ‘fuck it’ moment and grabbed a jumbo double chocolate muffin. I’m severely going to regret that about… oh… five  tonight, you know, when I clock in. But that’s kind of what happens when you toss your hands up in the air and just do something stupid.

Suppose it’s about time for the weekly review.

Writing (class) is about on par. I seem to struggle with the odd spellings, but I knew that before. There’s these lovely things called word check and Google. I use them, though I only normally need them for the first three uses of the word. Then I get frustrated with the ‘waste of time’ and commit the spelling to memory. I don’t use the words she wants us spelling so …. there’s that.

Math, we had a test on Tuesday. The second class is today. It didn’t take me long at all.

Keyboarding there’s two tests or something of that sort next week. We’ve not really covered the one, for proofreading marks. I think I got it down, though, so long as she doesn’t expect me to draw them out. If she just gives them to us and is like “what do you use this for?” I’ll be good. I know we’ll be using those going forth (in class) so I know I’ll get it down within a couple of weeks.

Computer skills has still been file organization. It’s all pretty standard (for me) and I keep chastising myself into paying attention, as I drift off in a daydream.

Pay attention, stupid.

Accounting I had about a third of the classes? Half? Think it’s half. Technically we have six classes a week. I missed one on Tuesday because of the road test and two yesterday afternoon because she had an appointment. With no place else to go, I settled in the classroom, determined to get some of the book read for Interpersonal Communication.

And then I remembered the new assignment for Accounting was up. The assignments are online like so many are, and the software is simple, but it doesn’t let you bring up the numbers and information you need along with the answer slot at the same time, this is a frustration. Also, if you make a mistake, you have to go through the entire question before you can try again.

But it takes the highest score so you can just keep redoing it until you get 100.

Well… it was a long question and I was tired, I couldn’t keep my information straight. I did it three times, got grumpy, and printed off the numbers from the secondary window and everything went swimmingly. But it took two hours to do.

I was also frustrated when I was done, because I wasn’t making mistakes because I didn’t get it. I made them because the date or the cost of a transaction slipped from my mind after a second. So, I switched over to Mr. Wrightworth’s novella and finished up the chapter just to relieve some stress.

Except he’s a little stress ball because he’s not allowed to beat on his slave, which I kind of wanted to watch given my recent mood, but that wasn’t what we agreed to write.

Once that was done, I went to work and was asked to start right away. By 6pm I was done, shuffling around and having to lean on things when I came to a stop because my back and legs are aching that much. I don’t even know why, they just are.

Last is Interpersonal Communication. There was a quote assignment due today which I’ll submit on lunch. We had to choose an inspirational quote and write up a blurb on why we chose it, how it’s personal. There’s an informal sharing in class today.

I dun wanna share. I just wanna sit in the back corner under the desk and sleep.

Just today and tomorrow, then I have two days off. I’m almost through, but my body was done a couple weeks ago and has just basically been limping on through.

Heaven help anything that wakes me Sunday morning if the house isn’t on fire.

I’m, of course, referencing cats who turn into wanks whenever they want something. Darius, the youngest, keeps body checking me in my sleep and I don’t know why. Not on my body, no, he body checks my face and neck, and he weighs about five pounds now. He didn’t do it last night, but that’s because I wound up curled around the oldest, who actually got up and smacked Darius away.

Just two more days.

Oh, and I can sleep in tomorrow since I don’t work until 1pm… 1:30? Ah crap, now I can’t remember my own schedule.

 

Week Four (Day Four)

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

This morning, I finished writing up the plot for Mr. Wrightworth’s novella. It’s the first one from his point of view and could end up ten chapters long. I’ve decided to spend my Sunday curled up on the couch with his story, watching movies and drinking wine. Not all day, obviously I’m going to wait for the afternoon at least for the wine, but I suspect I won’t have more than a glass or two.

Which reminds me, I have to drink more water…

I’m hoping (that’s a big hope) to get the novella done Sunday or Monday. It’s only supposed to be about 23k words, which I can definitely do in a day without breaking my brain. Especially when I’m involved in a story, but writing smut has always taken me longer than regular stuff.

I’m also hoping that keyboarding will help me with that. Because dang it, I’d love to be able to type 78wpm on a story.

My calculator claims I could write the novel in five hours if I wrote at that speed. I think it’s lying. It must be. Bad calculator.

That would be fantastic. Imagine the possibilities!

I’m trying to figure out what movies to watch on Sunday. Normally I  put on Netflix and go, which reminds me, I have to cancel my Netflix subscription. They aren’t getting in movies or shows I want to watch besides some original content but I don’t want to pay that amount for one show every two months. I might as well just buy the show when it comes out on DVD, same price and I don’t have to worry about being connected to the internet.

I could marathon through the Riddick Chronicles but… not sure I want to. My biggest trouble over the next couple of days might just be deciding what to watch.

The boss is back in town, she arrived in time to walk with the president guy. The other managers were also there. He didn’t say hello or anything to me, which normally he does, makes an effort to greet everyone. Maybe he was having an off day.

We talked very briefly about the weekend of doom. I said I was still upset because she dismissed what I was saying based on the fact that I was tired. And that I never want to do that again. Like. Ever. But I didn’t get into detail, since she’s still on vacation until Friday or Saturday. I can talk to her then and explain the garbled mess and how, apparently, I had someone from the store on my friends list on Facebook, she violated my consent, and the co-worker appeared to take that as my threatening her but bee-tee-dubs, here’s the post in question because while it’s locked, I have nothing to hide.

I have my personal Facebook under friends-only lock because I know sometimes I’m a wank. I say stupid things etc, welcome to being human. But I also have it locked because back in high school I had a stalker and she… appeared at one point to be haunting my Facebook and doing things. So… I locked her out.

I worry about that, but I also know that I was pushed to my end/extreme. I am good at a lot of things. Heck, I might even be considered great at a lot of things. Working constantly of thirty-seven days straight while dealing with stress is not one of those things. That doesn’t put me in the wrong, it just shows a limit that no one has tested before.

The schedule was also posted, I obviously have Sunday and Monday off. Thank goodness.

Just three more days.

Except… issues. I was called back from break yesterday because the doors were broken. When I got up front, there were six or so customers standing in our vestibule, about to push the doors off the tracks. It is an escape method, but the issue is, unless you have the strength and know-how, they’re almost impossible to put back on the track. One person needs both of those things because you kind of need to feel it out and you can’t lock up for the night unless it is back in place.

My body is not doing that. It’s barely upright. The other person I normally rely on for that sort of thing bruised her rib a few days ago and there’s no way I’d ask that of her just because my body isn’t doing that. Her body shouldn’t do that, even if it can.

So, I might have shouted a little.

“No!”

One customer was pushing on the door, a man was reaching up to the knobs, touching all the things. I told him to shut the doors off and he said that didn’t work. I repeated it and then made a motion away, like do it or get the fuck out the way and I’ll do it. So he scowled at me, but shut off the power to the doors and said it wouldn’t do anything.

I grabbed the doors and pushed them open. Because once the power is off, the doors move just fine which is how I know it’s not a problem with the tracks of the doors like we keep getting told. It’s the motor or has to do with problem number two.

The ceiling was dripping water about every ten seconds.

The cashier told the customers waiting that I was on my way up, but could they please move to the side, because the ceiling appears to be leaking (we had a heavy rain) she then watched the people under the leak, look up and stare.

As the water fell on their faces.

The leak has been there there a while. I think it’s three times now, it was supposed to have been fixed. It winds around electrical stuff, a motion detector and what kind of looks like an air conditioner. This store is the only one which seems to air condition their vestibule which I always thought odd until I actually looked up. So… we’ve got water leaking around electrical stuff.

Each time the ceiling leaks, I realized, we have issues with the door.

Tada, water is leaking into the wires of the door, creating hazards. Our doors will snap shut on customers, but also not open. Let’s not forget our basic math water + electricity = bad.

We put a bucket under the drip with a wet floor sign. You could hear it dripping into the bucket.

Customers dropped garbage into the bucket.

Thanks, guys.

After we closed up, the cashier related the story once more about customers looking up, so I looked up. It’s a weird, weird thing. But it’s a good thing I did because the leak has spread, so we put another bucket out there. The new one is directly over the path of the customer. Yay.

All I can do is call them in again, except I’m tired of them sending people who don’t know what’s going on, so I linked it all back into the comments and suggested the two might be connected.

Oh, right. Passed the driving test. I got the one the driving instructor refers to as the strict one. She’s quite a happy person, I never would have suspected she was strict at all. She kept saying good and I kept thinking she has to say that. At the end she said she had nothing else to say and I passed.

Just need to wait to be on insurance for someone before I can take a car out. If I had a car I could go home on days like today, where I have the afternoon off due to an instructor being out, and nap before work. Nap, like a person with time or something.

I’m now trying to figure out how to save up enough for a car. The fact that I can’t go to Mexico again for two years because of school means I’ll have a little from that, but it’ll take something like six trips to pay for a car and that means I’d have to save for six years to get a car and I don’t have that kind of time.

So, I’m basically batting around ideas on finances and trying not to feel overwhelmed over the fact that I can’t afford it right now. I can’t afford to buy a new car, because I can’t afford the monthly payments, not on what I’m currently being paid. Maybe once I graduate and have a job. Even if I had to keep the retail job for a little while to help things out. It’d drive me crazy, but at least then I’d have a car.

Why can’t money grow on trees?

Ah well. One thing down. A couple more to go.

Week Four (Day Three)

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

I’m starting to think I should have taken something before leaving the house. I am a body expressing psycho-somatic symptoms.

Or I’m sick, but I doubt that.

I have my road test in three hours and I would kindly like to hide under a rock. Last night was a mess. Though, in my defense, when I was going 45 he slowed the car down with his break. Speed limit was 50, I was on a straight stretch and had a ways to go still.

Today it is pouring rain.

Oh, and yesterday when I hit the breaks, no, used the break, I swear the freaking car didn’t slow. My foot was on the break, it was. It was pressing down on the break.

He said it was just me.

Kind of felt like he was fucking with me, but with my anxiety, more than half of the mistakes were definitely me.

“I had a student pass the road test today. You are a better driver than her, so what are you doing?”

Then he told me to relax. Then my aunt told me to just calm down.

Guys, that’s not how anxiety disorders work.

They’re just trying to help, I get that. And I’ve done this before. And I’m trying to tell myself, I know someone who gets as anxious as I do and she passed the road test in Ontario. Where there’s a lot more traffic and the examiners are said to be crazy strict.

So, after getting home from the less, I showered, had dinner, took a full dose of Valerian and St. John’s Wort, and went to bed at about 8pm. Totally messed with the cats, it seems. At 2am they thought it was time to get up. At about 5am the older one got crotchety because the light had been out for a certain number of hours and therefore there should be food.

I dreamed of the test. Apparently I borrowed this really old, almost like a barbie car, you know those electric ones that used to (maybe still do) exist that you could ride in? One of those. Except there was snow. And I showed up late by my clock but barely on time by their clock and I kept spinning around and skidding before going into the test.

Then I dreamed I forgot to eat, so I showed up shaking so badly they thought I was in withdrawal or something and sent me home.

Then I dreamed I needed something more than what he told me I needed (my license and me, and payment) so when I showed up they sent me away.

Those were not things I was worrying about before. Thanks, brain. Thanks. Now I am worried I don’t have everything I need.

Energy wise, though, I do feel good. I needed that sleep. The dreams annoyed me because of the content of my day, but they didn’t really scare me or upset me. Like, if we’re going to vividly dream (which is a side effect of Valerian but one I had yet to experience) couldn’t we at least make it fun and happy, or exciting?

Maybe I should have just ignored Mr. Wrightworth and dreamed of him instead. That would certainly have distracted me.

Oh, and it’s back to work today. Not supposed to work with the co-worker of mean behaviour, but there’s a bigwig coming into town to visit before our busy season starts. He’s due to arrive… oh… about the time I clock in.

I’ve dealt with him before, I know him, he’s not that scary. The man has caught me on my cellphone before and didn’t notice or say anything.

Though, in that case I had just texted a picture of a problem to the person who had dealt with it, asking what was going on because I couldn’t figure it out and it had to be done that day to make the client happy.

He is not scary.

He’s just a man quite a bit taller than I am and thus bigger and heavier and I don’t like when those types get upset. Oh, and I have to walk him around the store and explain things depending on when he arrives.

“I don’t know why that is. No, I can’t explain that. Please don’t ask me about (co-worker’s area) as I have nothing helpful to say.”

“But you used to be in her area.”

“And if you’d like a closed door meeting, we can discuss that, but at this time I have nothing helpful to say.”

The little personal aide in the back of my mind tried to calm everything down.

“Your life doesn’t depend on passing the road test.”

“Well… my life plan does, so therefore…”

“It’s not a one time thing, you can take it again.”

“But I’m tired and have nothing left to give or take or barter.”

“Well, if you’re going to fail, you might as well do it in a spectacular manner. Don’t fail for little things. Make them turn green or grey or blue.”

“Blue?”

“Well, I mean, they could end up choking on gum or something, I guess.”

 

Week Four (Day Two)

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

I started edits of Harvest this morning. Not through the first chapter yet. I need to do a fix on all three covers for The Reaping, I discovered this morning, but at least I found it before the print copies.

I swear I fixed it, and it’s not something you can notice in the e-book cover (I hope).

The pre-order is loading up on the sites. Amazon has unlinked the books from the series, I sent an email about twenty-four hours ago and haven’t heard back. I had heard Amazon customer service has gone downhill and I can see it. Normally I have an initial response within an hour.

My joints hurt, my back hurts. Somehow my backside and all the thigh muscles hurt. What the hell have I been doing in my sleep? Running marathons?

I haven’t taken valerian since Friday, and I’ve significantly reduced the St. John’s Wort. I just basically wanted to see what happened. They aren’t meant to be a forever thing, they’re supposed to help you through a spot.

I’m definitely sleeping like I’ve taken the valerian, which is fantastic, but the joint pain is super annoying. For the St. John’s Wort, I can’t tell if it’s the lack of it, or the road test tomorrow spiking my anxiety.

We did a practice test last night, he said whether I passed or not would depend on who I got. Feck. that’s  not good. Especially since I’m likely bound to get the strict one.

Fuck.

The St. John’s Wort I’ve been taking is my morning pill before school. It sets a precedent of not being a grumpy face as I walk in. I’ve been debating whether this would help or hinder the results. It’s reached the point where it balances my crabby face but is no longer effecting me the way it did before. I don’t get goofy, I’ve adjusted to it.

But if I get my license, my first pill would be taken after I arrive to school. For safety. There’s no study that says it impairs judgement in the least, but if it can change your mood, I probably shouldn’t have it in my system when I drive and each pill lasts about four hours… so, I guess that answers that question for tomorrow.

The schedule for work hasn’t even been started yet. Super, just super frustrating. I need confirmation about Sunday.

I’m obviously not happy with my schedule or the expectations placed on me for the pittance of a wage. My old location expected the same… they paid me more. I know I’m worth more than this. But, sadly, I need the paychecks I get. I’d prefer more, but I definitely need what I’m receiving now.

It’s not like I can just walk way to another job or step down and feel comfortable in my life. Oh, I will step down if the promise is not carrier through on, if I’m not given the Sunday off or am told my days off are on hold or my schedule is changing. I need to look after me, and I know what I need.

These past thirty days have been fucking ridiculous, and when you include the ridicule I’ve been subject to from other managers and tea members, I’m about done with nonsense.

The one thing that’s kept me going is my writing, and I can’t even get to that. I’m doing a lot of work and not getting to do anything I love. When I finally do have ‘time to myself’ that’s all I want.

Time to my fucking self, where the world shuts the fuck up and leaves me alone.

But I didn’t move here to be alone. I moved because of family and I don’t want to spend the next two years as Gollum, hiding in the basement and hissing at everything that comes near me.

So, something has got to give or change. One thing I can do from my side is to keep publishing, to meet my deadlines and maybe work on a couple of novellas. The thing is, they would be a long time coming because school is still my number one focus. Come January, I’ll be in a better position money-wise and can definitely step down as manager, to devote the time I want/need to what I love and enjoy.

Until then, I’m waiting for that magical lottery ticket to show up.

I’m being sarcastic, of course, I don’t expect anyone to buy me a lottery ticket, nor do I expect things to change much. Things are boiling upward, a little more in sales every couple of months, that’s good. That will hopefully continue. All it really is, is the waiting game.

I keep having moments of not right-ness. Where I just don’t feel right, I know something is wrong, but I can’t just go home and sleep. And I know it’s due to these last thirty-someodd days and isn’t to do with an actual physical problem.

At least, not yet.

If I don’t get Sunday off, though, the stress could wear at me so much that I end up with an actual ailment.

Week Three (Saturday)

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

I’m feeling a little troubled and want to talk a bit, or write but don’t have anyone at the moment. They’re on normal people time.

I’m on “fuck you and die” time.

Suppose, I could talk to my cousin, since I know he’ll be up but we don’t really have conversations and he’s drunk and you can’t get a word in edgewise.

Today I worked with the woman who violated my privacy. I didn’t yell, I didn’t shout, or give attitude over it. I didn’t even bring it up. I have no idea if she’s realized yet, but I also found myself not caring if she had.

I also realized that I’ve never really, like really paid attention to her. She used to work my current position, but not all the other management positions I’ve worked, just mine, just in this location. She hasn’t expanded beyond the management skillset they taught her, which was probably nothing really, let’s face it. But, because she’s held my position in the past, I have left her alone and it wasn’t until today that I realized that was a mistake.

I cannot account for anything she did. There was one thing, one little group of things which is a task the area has to complete. That got done but… when? Hours before closing, I’m sure.

The thing that I had a strip taken off me for, by the other co-worker? She didn’t start it until after 8:30, at which time I’m almost certain she returned from a half hour break since she said she was going just after 8 and then said she was returning after 8:30. At about 8:15 I walked past her area and saw the lights were out and assumed she was or had been doing the other task on the floor.

It’s retail. You take the items moved by customers and put them back where they belong.

If you’re reading this and you’re one of those people who moves entire shelves of stuff, for the love of god, stop it.

The way our company is set up, there are three areas and one person responsible for fixing an entire third of the store. We all have other things we need to do on top of that responsibility. An entire third of the store, every night, no exceptions.

It takes me two hours to go through the whole thing, but I’m told I’m a special fairy of a fuckin’ princess and no one else can do that. So when I hear someone say, “I’m starting now,” when I ask half an hour before close how that job is going…

It’s a frustration.

But. I’m supposed to leave that area to be and do that area. They know the expectations, I even had the previous person go over the expectation with her to reiterate: it has to be done.

And it didn’t get done.

I’m only saying this as the most glaring example of Aya not doing her fucking job.

Me, I’m Aya. My name is right up at the top of the page.

I should have been paying more attention to her. I just should have, this entire time, I should have. That’s on me.

I’d be all “dumbass” on myself, but I’m still human, I make mistakes.

After we closed, customers kept trying to come in because the doors are broken, so I did announcements, which admittedly we aren’t supposed to do and I almost never do them. I think this is the third time in as many months and the second time was last night when a group of hipsters were wandering up and down the aisles talking loudly as the lights were about to go out overhead.

So, the person in question mosies to the front with what appears to me (but might not be) to be absolutely no get up and go, like she doesn’t care how long she takes. She walks up to the cash and leans on it, putting her butt in the way of customers who have to walk around her to get out of the store as she starts gossiping with the mother of one of the workers.

And I’m like, “Guys, I want to go home.”

And she says, “Oh, you guys. What are you going to do when Christmas comes and you have to be here until ten, cleaning everything.”

“Then we will be here until ten. But right now, I want to go home. I’m exhausted and my bed is calling me and this is day twenty-nine.”

“I’ve done that before. Oh well.”

Then she proceeded to mosie out of the store with the worker’s mother and talk at the doors, keeping them from closing for several minutes.

Which is against policy.

I stood and watched rather than approach her because I knew I was angry and I knew my tone of voice would convey that.

I was upset, she upset me, I’m allowed to have negative emotions toward someone.

Of course, I’m the crazy person who gets upset because she was leaning on the counter rather than working, gossiping and getting in the way of customers, and making my other bodies tonight do her work because (near as I can tell, but again, it might not be the case) she can’t be bothered.

And she dismissed what I was thinking or feeling, how I felt because in the past she’s worked many days straight.

Therefore fuck me.

Oh no, there’s not but or maybe tacked onto the end of that. She is un-empathetic toward my working so many days in a row against my will and against my wishes and protests. She knows, because I’m certain I told her last week, that I had said no, but that it was made out to me like I had no option and that none of the other managers could be bothered to rearrange their schedules.

Yeah… so that’s probably also out and about in teh store.

Fuckin’ stupid Aya.

Soft skills are important, you nitwit.

Swearing at myself makes me feel better, don’t question it too much, just roll with it.

As we left the store, she immediately walked off. That won’t be happening again, each night I will call them back and they will wait with me. The doors didn’t quite want to close but, poof. All of a sudden she had a speed faster than a mosie!

There’s a word for people like that.

Frustrating.

So, I get in the car waiting for me and my cousin is wearing his school dress code so I get super confused, think it’s Friday, and ask him why he was at school so late.

And he starts talking.

At first I was bitterly annoyed, I’m tired, I just got passively aggressively walked over by someone who just a week ago was claiming we were friends. I didn’t want to hear about how someone else had a good day.

But he was excited, and full of energy. And… maybe full of alcohol as well because part of his day was taste testing drinks.

And I just sat there, trying to remember the last time I sounded like that. Just so fucking excited about something. And then I thought about my day, because I was really upset when I got into the car, like on the point of tears because I was tired to the point of tears and then that happened.

And I got to thinking.

Today… wasn’t a bad day. I had an extra body that I don’t usually have. In fact, I had a literal person who I don’t normally work with. And despite how exhausted and worn out I was, she still made me laugh.

Because I asked her to do something and she responded with, “Sure, doll, whatever you want.” with all the assurance of a man twice her age, and I could almost hear her wink at me even though it was said over a radio.

Everything but that person’s (the one who violated my privacy) area looked great. Better than it has in a while. Customers were happy and not mean at all, not rude. Messy as all hell.

Who the hell makes a mountain out of baking supplies, honestly? Don’t you have a phone? Play on that while your girlfriend shops, don’t make more work for us!

This morning, I got some edits done, did some driving practice.

Today was not a bad day.

But because I’m so wrung out already, an unempathetic body brought me right down when she had no right to.

Being made to work for more than a month in a row is not okay, and it is not something to talk down to that person about. I’m doing work a favour by working through this. If I wasn’t there, if I was just my position, if I was the one who talked down to me even, the co-worker or the one who violated my consent, I would not be working through the course of the month.

Because none of them are capable of doing what I can do. And that’s really the kick in my pants, isn’t it? The fact that I’m in this situation because I’m reliable and hard working. When not overly tired I’m super stable and don’t gossip or whine or anything.

When I am tired and worn out, I eat a piece of apple pie and a bun and two pieces of chick and then just feel ick because my stomach would now like me to die.

I’m also impulsive, whiny, bitchy, bitter, and can sometimes have mental breakdowns for like an hour before I pick myself up, dust myself off, and act like nothing happened.

However.

I tell people that. In fact, going into school, I told my boss that if I get too tired or worn out, if I don’t get the time off I need, then I will get lippy. Which was the closest word to bitchy and crazy I could use given where we were standing at the time.

I know this about me, I know how I act and I’m not determined to change how I act when I’m tired. Instead, I’m determined not to find myself in those positions. I go to sleep on time, I feed myself, I leave positions that would expect too much of me or relationships that are batshit crazy.

But I never want to change how I act when tired. I’m a human fucking person. We aren’t built to be rational when tired. We don’t have control over our moods when we’re tired, our emotional intelligence drops to that of a two year old and we do things we wouldn’t normally do.

Like cry because someone was a meany head.

What we do have control over is our compassion and empathy toward our fellow humans. And as of tonight, I feel as if these two women who I have now had issues with, are lacking that key component.

Empathy.

Everyone else I work with understands. This is day twenty-nine, I’m tired and I’m not built for this. I didn’t ask for this. I certainly didn’t want this. I went into my school year with a promise for a day off every two weeks.

Then someone quit. And the boss had vacation booked from months before.

I actually can’t list anyone besides those two who have put their noses in the air because They did just fine when they had to work such and such and so on.

So… how does one deal with the un-empathetic when one must see them often and speak with them?

I’m supposed to be bright and open, but not a doormat, so I can’t just go to pretending like nothing happened, as that would make them feel like it’s all right to speak to me like that and I’ve decided it’s not.

I know I’m at the end of what I can sustain. End of rope, or cliff, or road, or whatever metaphor you want to use. I know this is a limit for me. But all they think is I’m some stupid little girl who doesn’t know how the world actually works.

Except, in our country, that’s not how the world actually works. So, you know, there’s that.

Where’s that magic lottery ticket when I need it?

Anyway, I’m not even quite sure what the point was, besides to get the words out of my head so they’d stop swirling around.

Now I’m just left with the question: how do you deal with un-empathetic people without starting a fight, but also without becoming a doormat?

 

Week Three (Day Five)

Posted on by Aya DeAniege

Writing:

How do I put this…? My muses have been tossing about ideas for a new Contracted trilogy?

I know, I’m world and story creating like crazy and not getting on with the writing of anything yet. It’s all the clickity clack from keyboarding school driving me to it, but I’m making and keeping notes on OneNote so that it’s all there and available for when I can write again.

A Kaz/Balor story is started but put off because the content is not work or school safe so I can’t work on it anywhere. Not until either tomorrow or Sunday but I’ve allotted for edits for Crop to get that done.

Have I talked about The Others? It’s almost entirely unedited, which is stated in the first post there. It’s an ongoing project that I update in between other things, or pick away at between classes and such. So, if you’ve got an itch, head on over. Just realize it is m/m.

The idea is to pull it later on to edit and do additions, then publish it as a series. I think I’ve decided I’m writing out as much as I have/can, as far as it goes, then pulling the whole thing and editing it.

But if you do go, you’ll notice I’m not rushing any with that.

Other:

Work moving stuff last night definitely tired me out. I’m not necessarily sore, though. Just… tired.

I went to brush my teeth this morning and had immediate fatigue, so… you know, the writing class is going to be fun since she has us hand-write notes.

We had an accounting quiz yesterday and I looked around after I finished and realized everyone was still writing. Cue me panicking because I must have missed something. If they’re still writing, it must mean I did something wrong, skipped at least one part. So, I checked it again and again, even put the alphabet beside the transactions, worried I had just skipped one.

No, it just happens that I have managed a good understanding of the first two chapters. Because I read them ahead and took my own notes (this is how I learn better) but now I worry because chapter three, I read it and I couldn’t find anything to make a note about. Just, yup, that all makes sense.

Writing, the instructor was sick but assigned some homework in place of her being here because we still have to keep up on work, right? Your boss calls out sick, do you just skip out  home and do nothing?

If  I’m being honest, I’d work from home if I could get away with it.  Well, it sounds like a few people didn’t hand anything in because they didn’t read the full announcement. Oh, geez.

Keyboarding! Keyboarding is the one I constantly feel like I’m struggling with. My hands are starting to move a little better but I still have to make exceptions to their rules. My knuckles don’t move like that and as much as I’ve forced the new motions, the fingers just kind of shoot out and start hitting all the buttons. So, I guess you could say that I’ve adapted the method because of my arthritis. I’m sure my method wouldn’t pass for others, because the damage to the joints is different.

However, my word count and accuracy have begun to go up. Yesterday I did a two-minute timing without a single error, not even one I deleted. Though… it was weird. I did several two-minute timings. I think five in total? On one they kept wanting ‘exam’ someone wrote and exam and didn’t tell this other person when the exam was.

Yeah, for some reason my brain insists there’s an ‘e’ on the end of ‘exam’ but not all the time just every third or fourth time I write exam. My fingers hit the ‘e’ at the end and my brain, reading it out goes, “Yup, that looks right.”

Math, I worry I’m so lost that I think I’ve made it. Like I aimed for the Pacific Ocean and ended up in the Atlantic instead and just can’t tell the difference, that kind of lost. It both seems too easy, and they ask me things that I was never taught in school.

Rounding and estimating, what is this? Math of lazy people?

Yet, I use rounding and estimating when I’m doing math at work, but because I’m in a school setting my brain stutters and I think I must not know how to do it right.

Have I hit them all? No. Computers. I need to pay more active attention but I think he thinks I’m writing in class because now he’s wanting us to focus forward. If I don’t take notes, it doesn’t stick. Writing notes by hand gets it out of my head so I just never remember. But if I type it, thanks to all the writing, my brain logs it all down.

All, like, “Oh, gonna need this in edits, I just know it.”

So on breaks and as he was dismissing us, I scrambled to get notes into my note page to remember it this time. He’s teaching us file sorting. I like to think I’ve got that down. But then I tried to find things in my OneDrive and it seems I bungled something, so I need to revisit my system. Which is fine, it’s new. Sometimes it takes me some time to figure out the easiest way to set up a new system.

Oh, and Interpersonal Communication. I started reading the book, think I’m about halfway through. Need to read more, obviously. Need to take notes in that class, it’s after lunch and that’s definitely going to be brain death time.

I am trying to interact with my fellow students more. Soft skills, you know?

Work last night, besides the exhaustion, went all right. The co-worker was happy she hasn’t been happy in a long time. She also sported a new look. Looked like half her hair disappeared, since she flattened it. But the happy scared the shit out of me. I’ve had people get happy like that when they’re about to attack me.

I thought it was maybe just my perspective too, until someone else saw her walk by and their eyebrows raised.

“Whole new person this week.”

Hey, if she stays happy and isn’t mean to anyone, whatever and good for her. If she’s planning something, ugh. For about a second, I thought she was gloating and then I realized I didn’t care what she was doing. I was tired, I wasn’t working.

I played my game between school and work. When I started, a man I hadn’t met properly came and acted like the MOD. It took a second for the voice in the back of my head to kick me and remind me of interpersonal communication.

He’s good people. He’s in training for a boss position and I like him. I’ve never met an boss-in-training who I thought was good people. People, yes, but normally they’re just not great people. Oh, I’ve met plenty of bosses who are good people too, including my current one, it’s just I never meet good boss-in-trainings.

He was nice, he tried to help, he communicated, he introduced himself. There’s nothing threatening about him in the least.

Good.

Truth be told, it was his presence that calmed me around the co-worker being happy and the assistant asking (per her job) about the weekend. She says she has to talk to the boss about it, again that’s her job. I told her I wrote it all up and she seemed surprised.

Well, writer. Hypergraphic. Super upset. Also I have a bad memory. I cannot for the life of me remember anything beyond I don’t do my job and her invalidating all of my feelings by blaming me being tired.

Good thing I wrote it down.

At the end of the day, what was said doesn’t matter as much as the outcome. Of me bawling my eyes out and feeling like she was manipulating me into quitting and whatever she took from the conversation.

Which, I have to say, from my view is smug assuredness.

Oh well. There are other jobs. I’m told they’re a dime a dozen.

I can sleep in tomorrow, I’m so flipping excited. Nine more days. Just nine more days.