I haven’t been doing so well with the edits. I’ve been manic with no direction. I think I described it as feeling like I had swallowed a hyperactive toddler and a bag of sugar.
Oh, I have all kinds of attention problems. I’m the person who had to read books in class while taking notes for the class because I just couldn’t pay attention to one thing. Got caught on numerous occasions but in the words of one teacher, “I can’t penalize you. I want you focused on me, but I also want everyone reading more books, so penalizing you wouldn’t be a win for anyone.”
I’m up to page… 17 on Hera? And pg 32 or so of Grim Port, which is the first book. Although the problem there has been that I keep forgetting the kindle at home, so I don’t have a copy of the books to read while at work on my long days.
There is a two hour period, give or take, when I could read that. Which means I could probably be almost done by now.
Because of the mania, I’m not focused on anything in particular unless it’s an oddity. I obsessed over Access for a few days, but it wouldn’t do what I wanted, how I wanted. Then I learned about two sentences more of Excel this week, and spent six hours, six hours, writing up a budget in Excel for my writing and my income and my outgoing and teaching myself formulas.
I did averages for each year and then for each book and I linked them between the spreadsheets and I found a way to deal with compound interest on Excel and then I started colour coding it all and itemizing lists.
I got lost in Excel, basically.
And sure, it’s not some gorgeous creature, but that’s okay. It’s less likely to break than Access and I can get the numbers to update across the board, the ones I had to redo… three times.
I’m not even done yet. I need to set up a yearly sales page going forward. I should do that separately though. Well, I mean. No. Because if I do it separately then I can’t link it back to the main component that I need to update.
I can ask someone, maybe. He said he knows Excel. I just don’t know if he knows Excel to that extent.
Anyhow, to solve the mania, I’ve stopped taking St. John’s Wort. One of the side effects is mania. Another is nausea, and insomnia, etc. Basically, I was showing side effects of the supplement I was taking to fight off my anxiety.
Which is back already. Yay.
How do I know?
I’m seeing someone. It’s not serious, only a couple of dates so far. I’d be all in, I think, but that’s the way my brain works, so I suppose, especially for me dating, it’s serious, but it’s not like we’re long term committed or had the conversation.
We’ve gone to coffee and a breakfast date this past weekend. This upcoming weekend we’re going to the movies. We’re both very busy people. Him with his job and then two separate after work things, plus he has family events mingled in among that all.
I have school and writing and work.
Anyway, this morning when I said, “morning,” he said, “Hi :)”
My brain went: yup, so, this is falling apart.
And immediately started trying to cycle through what I had done wrong or what had caused everything to fall apart.
I had a little anxiety attack on the way to school because I thought I had left my travel mug open when I put it in my backpack. (I did not)
When I got to school, someone said hello to me and my first reaction was, “why is she mad at me?”
My anxiety makes me think that everyone is upset with me. I read into subtle signs that I shouldn’t read into. I hear the class laugh and my first instinct is they’re laughing at me. Even though I know better. I know these people.
I toss in my earbuds and start typing, they assume I’m writing and trying to meet a deadline so they leave me alone. They don’t talk about me, they certainly don’t laugh about or at me.
Tell my stupid brain that.
But I can feel an alertness waking up. A focus there, at the back of my mind. I swear I can feel the swirl that makes me actively work on writing or editing. That obsessive little tumble as my mind is trying to figure out how many ways I can break a world and put it back together before the characters blow it up just so they don’t have to deal with me anymore.
Anxiety is already eating away at me. Not enough to cause an attack, but enough to seriously affect my interactions with other people.
I never realized before how much my anxiety alters my outlook on the world. That person who said hello to me at school has said hello just like that for most of this year and yet today I assumed she was mad at me.
I just have to make it through today, then I have two, maybe three days off. There’s a snowstorm coming and the teachers are bracing themselves for the school to be closed Monday. But they did that the first week of class too and the school opened anyhow.
Except, if the roads are bad, I can’t go. I can wake up and make it to school if I’m going to take a pill at school, but I can’t if I’m not going to. I would spend the entire day shaking and on the verge of tears, if not actually cry.
And I have to leave the house for the movie tomorrow night. I’m looking forward to that, but that voice at the back of my mind is back, whispering its poisonous words.
I need a doctor. And actual medication.
Except the waiting list for a doctor in this province is between five and ten years unless I get pregnant or wind up in the hospital for a specific sickness. So, since I have to have a broken bone or spurting blood to go to the hospital… the only way for me to get a doctor earlier is to get pregnant.
Which isn’t happening because it’d be super awkward, to say the least.