Week Four (Day Three)

I’m starting to think I should have taken something before leaving the house. I am a body expressing psycho-somatic symptoms.

Or I’m sick, but I doubt that.

I have my road test in three hours and I would kindly like to hide under a rock. Last night was a mess. Though, in my defense, when I was going 45 he slowed the car down with his break. Speed limit was 50, I was on a straight stretch and had a ways to go still.

Today it is pouring rain.

Oh, and yesterday when I hit the breaks, no, used the break, I swear the freaking car didn’t slow. My foot was on the break, it was. It was pressing down on the break.

He said it was just me.

Kind of felt like he was fucking with me, but with my anxiety, more than half of the mistakes were definitely me.

“I had a student pass the road test today. You are a better driver than her, so what are you doing?”

Then he told me to relax. Then my aunt told me to just calm down.

Guys, that’s not how anxiety disorders work.

They’re just trying to help, I get that. And I’ve done this before. And I’m trying to tell myself, I know someone who gets as anxious as I do and she passed the road test in Ontario. Where there’s a lot more traffic and the examiners are said to be crazy strict.

So, after getting home from the less, I showered, had dinner, took a full dose of Valerian and St. John’s Wort, and went to bed at about 8pm. Totally messed with the cats, it seems. At 2am they thought it was time to get up. At about 5am the older one got crotchety because the light had been out for a certain number of hours and therefore there should be food.

I dreamed of the test. Apparently I borrowed this really old, almost like a barbie car, you know those electric ones that used to (maybe still do) exist that you could ride in? One of those. Except there was snow. And I showed up late by my clock but barely on time by their clock and I kept spinning around and skidding before going into the test.

Then I dreamed I forgot to eat, so I showed up shaking so badly they thought I was in withdrawal or something and sent me home.

Then I dreamed I needed something more than what he told me I needed (my license and me, and payment) so when I showed up they sent me away.

Those were not things I was worrying about before. Thanks, brain. Thanks. Now I am worried I don’t have everything I need.

Energy wise, though, I do feel good. I needed that sleep. The dreams annoyed me because of the content of my day, but they didn’t really scare me or upset me. Like, if we’re going to vividly dream (which is a side effect of Valerian but one I had yet to experience) couldn’t we at least make it fun and happy, or exciting?

Maybe I should have just ignored Mr. Wrightworth and dreamed of him instead. That would certainly have distracted me.

Oh, and it’s back to work today. Not supposed to work with the co-worker of mean behaviour, but there’s a bigwig coming into town to visit before our busy season starts. He’s due to arrive… oh… about the time I clock in.

I’ve dealt with him before, I know him, he’s not that scary. The man has caught me on my cellphone before and didn’t notice or say anything.

Though, in that case I had just texted a picture of a problem to the person who had dealt with it, asking what was going on because I couldn’t figure it out and it had to be done that day to make the client happy.

He is not scary.

He’s just a man quite a bit taller than I am and thus bigger and heavier and I don’t like when those types get upset. Oh, and I have to walk him around the store and explain things depending on when he arrives.

“I don’t know why that is. No, I can’t explain that. Please don’t ask me about (co-worker’s area) as I have nothing helpful to say.”

“But you used to be in her area.”

“And if you’d like a closed door meeting, we can discuss that, but at this time I have nothing helpful to say.”

The little personal aide in the back of my mind tried to calm everything down.

“Your life doesn’t depend on passing the road test.”

“Well… my life plan does, so therefore…”

“It’s not a one time thing, you can take it again.”

“But I’m tired and have nothing left to give or take or barter.”

“Well, if you’re going to fail, you might as well do it in a spectacular manner. Don’t fail for little things. Make them turn green or grey or blue.”

“Blue?”

“Well, I mean, they could end up choking on gum or something, I guess.”