This Day Can Die Now


This morning I got up, went to the bathroom, and proceeded to lose my shit. I thought I had blown a kidney or something. These past couple of days I’ve been drinking so much, it wouldn’t surprise me.

Dorian asked me what was wrong, then asked me casually why I had packed my personal hygiene items. When I tried to protest, he asked me which was more likely.

Being early, or losing kidney function in the middle of the night and not being in a pain that I noticed?

Once a month, Dorian turns into a giant teddy bear who sometimes leaves me the fuck alone with a bottle of good wine and the cats.

Some friends we had made wanted me to go swimming. Today was the  first nice day. So it was a double “Fuck you.”

Actually triple.

There are three ways to deal with my pain. Take more than the recommended dose of pills, basically making me high all day. Taking one of those and sleeping all day. Not some of it, all day.

Or drink. Drink so much that I dun remember.

You know what I’m not supposed to do? 

Mix alcohol and my pain pills. Oh, I can.  And they aren’t prescription or anything, so it’s not as bad. Until you know that I over reacted to drugs of any kind. 

My body gets some meds and just goes, “fuck it, I quit.”

So, uh. Dorian got me a drink at 10am. Then 11am, then noon, ish.

Somehow he got his hands on my least favourite product. Tampons. Fuck that, if I  want something shoved up there…

I’ve never been comfortable with them. Ever. 

But with the hot day, Dorian dragged me back to the room and handed one to me. When I attempted to say no, he pulled the Sir card. 

Which is this thing he can pull a couple of times a month. It does not roll over, does not collect, and he rarely uses, but when he does it’s for things like today.

He saw me staring at the ocean. I was hot, I had skimmed through the last four chapters of At Death’s Door because I just didn’t want to anymore. Except I couldn’t go in the ocean with my preferred product.

So he used the Sir card and ten minutes later the ocean almost drowned me. I had so much fun out there as our friends just watched and, apparently, thought I had lost my mind. Which was fine by me.

Two pills, three drinks later. 

Next thing I know, I’m waking up and it’s 6pm. I’m in bed in nothing more than underwear and Dorian is nowhere to be found.

I got up, went to the bathroom and as I did, my phone wrang. I didn’t even know it worked. Dorian.

“Darling, I’m in the lobby.”

“Just give me a couple of minutes.”

“Don’t keep me waiting.”

We went to dinner, then up to the lobby again. When I went to the bathroom, Dorian ordered me a Spanish coffee. Which is coffee with alcohol in it. Exactly what I was craving, actually.

After drinking it, he looked at me and then sighed.


Sir card two for the day, though I don’t think it should count as such. On the way back to the room I wondered some things. 

I told him I showered before napping, but had no recollection of that. I didn’t know where my cup was. Or when I had water last.

Walking into the room I noticed a few things. The water bottle, which was supposed to be for both of us, was almost empty. My swimsuit was on the side of the bathtub. The face cloth was along with the swimsuit, wet, along with the towel hanging along the shower.

Apparently, I got water, showered, then passed out.

On three drinks! Because I took two pills at 8am. That’s the kind of princess that my body is. I’ve taken no other pills since. Because the moment I started drinking, I knew drugs were no longer an option.

Now, laying in bed, I’m exhausted. The pain had downgraded just a notch, but it’s that notch that makes the difference.

You know what sucks? A period overlapping a vacation. 

You know what sucks worse? Being early for the first time in three years while on vacation.

This day can just up and fuck itself. Apparently I slept about half of it away, but still.

Oh, and I lost my proof copy if At Death’s Door no clue where it went. So… yay. I get to do that again.

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