Weekly Update

I’m technically a day late for my update, I know. I spent yesterday playing a video game figuring I wouldn’t have another chunk of time for a while.

The problem with the game is that it’s basically an open sandbox universe. Science fiction, lots of travel, you can walk anywhere on a planet surface. It’s a problem because that’s exactly what I like to do.

Surprisingly, my anxiety yesterday was almost zero. I’ve been on something new for anxiety and have been relatively anxiety free for the last week. The only issue is that my urgency to get the writing projects done has also dropped off.

Did you know overachieving is linked to anxiety in a lot of people? Wish I had a link to the study now. The anxiety causes that sense of urgency, the it has to be done now feeling that gets us up and doing things when there’s a really great game (or fifteen) sitting on your hard drive.

The moment I realized the sense of urgency was gone, I thought about cutting back. I like that part, and I don’t need full blown anxiety attacks to have the sense of urgency. In fact, I tend to get the most done when I’ve felt anxiety free.

Boy, was I wrong about what ‘anxiety free’ means.

Anyhow, after a little consideration, I decided to keep up with the current dose, but just for a little while. I’m well aware that psychological disturbances, mental illness, and the like can affect us physically. I’ve been anxious a long time. I’ll continue with what I’m doing for a couple of weeks to give my body the break it needs.

Oddly, as I realized the sense of urgency was gone, I added another page to Savage Shores.

I’ve also cleaned my little area. I technically live in a one bedroom with the ability to wander most of the house, so I cleaned everything but under the bed. And I only stopped there because it was late and I had to get up early to go to a driving lesson.

Now, the anxiety might also effect my ability to drive. I don’t get things on the first try because I’ve gone from fearing failure to basically going, “meh, there’s no consequences.” which is also something I don’t like, but it’s just a couple of weeks.

Alternatively, I need to re-teach myself how to act while not anxious.

I started with driving yesterday, obviously. Since I was mid-lesson when my teacher asked me what was going on because I wasn’t driving the way I had before and how I was driving concerned him. He took me to new areas and tried to re-teach me how to parallel park with a method that made no sense to me.

I turned it over in my mind all of yesterday and I think I get it now, but it’s overly complicated.

I took lessons some sixteen years ago and my teacher then had a fabulous method for parking. Sit in their driver seat basically, begin backing until you’re in their backseat then turn the wheel all the way to the passenger side and back slowly (in case you need to stop before hitting a car) As their back light appears in your windshield, straighten the wheel.

Shit, I lost a step. Youtube videos it is. Maybe the straighten isn’t there and you turn all the way to the left immediately.

Considering where I live, parallel parking is not a skill I would need to use often. I want to learn it, but I don’t need it. I have two legs, one’s a little messed up, but I still have two legs and I like walking.

Basically, I suppose, as he tried to teach me, my brain went, “WE DON’T NEED THIS,” I guess and it skipped about. Thanks brain. Me without anxiety might have an attention problem.

As in, if it doesn’t interest me, I don’t pay attention.

That’s not to say I’m lacking the urgency for projects because it doesn’t interest me. Those do, a great deal. But as I said before, my attention for the school year is school. I’m not getting overly invested in a project because I know I might not finish it.

Today is the first day of school. I have no idea what’s going on, where I’m going, if I’ll have a safe place right away to place my bag, if the instructors are nice or people I can get along with, if I can deal with my peers, where I will eat, if someone will be mean to me, what happens after class, what I’m eating for lunch, where I’m getting water from, where the nearest bathroom is, where the second nearest bathroom is, if my funding is going to come through by the end of the week, if I’ll need my laptop or my books today, or a million other things.

These are all things which make me anxious normally. I can feel a little anxiety riding up my spine, but if it were a normal day sans-treatment, I would be frozen in place and on the edge of tears.

I installed Sims 3 on the new laptop for after class, lunches, long waits… and giggles.

It may be a bad thing that the laptop handles Sims 3 better than my desktop. That makes me want a new desktop (Because I can’t upgrade anything due to the company basically welding everything together) but it still works so I’ll just settle with being thankful I have a working desktop.

And a five month old kitten in my lap who does not want me to leave. Can I just take a cat to technical school? Is that a professional move? I’m sure everyone would love him.