For a whole twenty-four hours. It’s been… man, it’s been forever. And before all that happened, before the anxiety ate away at my energy, I had a lot of it.
Today was a day that I feel like I need to decompress from. Something happened at work and it was a thing which I can’t necessarily talk about. Not that I know much to talk about…
This thing has happened a couple of times in the past. When it has, it’s like I have a sympathetic anxiety attack. I have silently broken down as I did what I had to, to get through my shift.
Before that I talked to my coworkers instead of grunted. Actually participated in a conversation. Again, rare.
There are a couple of people I can talk to, but I was talking to everyone basically. Unless they weren’t talking to me because they were stressed, as happens in a workplace.
I even told my boss about my anxiety. Know what I don’t do? Talk to him about that kind of thing. For some damned reason I tear up any time I try to talk to him about things.
It’s not his fault. He’s never been mean or rude to me.
Though most of my coworkers are female…
I’ve been trying to feel out. Constantly asking myself, is the anxiety coming back? Is that pain?
But no. The little ‘pain’ I had was actually not pain. It’s just a stuffiness in my joints which I’m pretty certain means inflammation. Not even enough to cause real pain, just enough for me to notice. And only in the worse joints.
Which means I was pain free most of the day along with being free of anxiety. Now that’s been longer than forever. Years and years.
But after the kind of work day I’ve had I can’t just walk into work tomorrow and be all smiles and like, “I’m the happiest I’ve been since I started working here!”
It might send the wrong message. Especially since there’s no correlation between what happened and how I feel. If I had been on this regiment for a while, say a week or so, it might have hit me like it has in the past.
But I’ve learned over the past couple years to just give yourself the good days. You never know when they’ll come back again.
With any luck, fingers crossed, I will wake up tomorrow and feel just as good. And the next day, and the next.
I can feel the thrum of energy starting again. I’ve never been a slow person. Stupid, sure, but you can make up a lot with speed.
I swore to take off until Friday which means my time is my own. So today on my lunch break I started an edit of Crop. Just ’cause.
Supposed I could have used my bus ride home to write some of Harvest. But like I said, I needed to get the words out.
Wonder if that means the hypergraphia is worse… or just that I’ve trained myself to write whenever I have time or the energy to do so. Guess I’ll see how it goes over the coming weeks.
Aya DeAniege 