Life Interfering

I’m full on planning a move to another province. Applied to jobs and everything. I could transfer through work, and I expect I’ll have to do that. Finding someone to take a risk on a body that isn’t there yet is difficult.

The jobs I have found are call center types. I now have two interviews set up. Both of which would have me moving in the next two months, if I’m accepted.

So, why not just transfer through work? That’s a complicated tale. I love my work, I do. It’s taught me a lot, if they had a position I wanted on the other side, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

But as it is, there are just entry level positions, and I’d be bored and treated like an entry level employee who knows nothing, even though I know a great deal and am asked questions by nearly everyone in my current location.

I learn fast, and hate being bored.

But I also don’t necessarily like change. I want this move, it’ll take me near family.

That’s something I never thought I’d say…

The cost of living is less there. I was doing the math and stuff, because I can count to a hundred and add. I’m kidding, I’m pretty good with basic and intermediate math. Don’t ask me to do calculus and I’ll do fine.

Lower cost of living means I need less per month, means I can live off writing sooner. If things work out in a medium estimate, I could actually buy a house on the income from the proposed jobs.

You know what I am here? Working poor.

In January, the minimum wage is going up, good for them. Mine remains the same. So, while everyone else will get a boost before corporations get greedy and raise the prices to make their stockholders more money, I will not. I will be further behind and no one but me seems to be questioning why seasoned workers are being ignored during such a large upgrade for the whole province.

Except me and anyone like me. The company sees it as a reset button on our wages.

I still love them, I just don’t feel like they care if I can afford food, or if I have to decide which bill has to be ignored this month because rates went up but my wage didn’t.

Anyhow, after all that, I am a ball of anxiety and stress. I can’t focus on anything. I’m supposed to be editing, but every time I try, I start having a panic attack. Writing has helped on and off but yesterday it hit me hard.

Stupid psychosomatic reactions. I have a life and a plan, brain, knock it off!

If I get one of these jobs, I have no idea how I’ll get there or where I’ll live, or how I’ll get to work. One is an at home job but they have like a month of training and me without a license. For, oh, about a month?

I’m freaking out and I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about how much I’m freaking out. I can’t ask for help, help has never come. If I want this, I’ve got to do it for myself.

It’s not like I just have the money to up and move. I have a credit card, will have to use that.

Meanwhile, I can’t seem to write or edit. All I do is play video games and get upset with myself because I have things that need doing, darn it. So I try again and the file opens and I just stare at the page, the words swimming on my screen.

Anxiety sucks. It sucks that everytime I try to make a change, to make my life better, I become the bad guy in my own story. Having to force everything on myself just to get it done.

On the other hand, I’m rather proud of myself. I’ve yet to break down in tears or get soddingly drunk and argue with myself about how mean I am to me.

There’s no where but forward. And if the jobs fall through, I will follow the original plan. Save every nickel (because in Canada we no longer have pennies) over the winter and move in the spring.

One comment

  1. Xiaomei Lee says:

    Being uncomfortable with change when finding ways to get to where you want to be is good. You are making efforts to become successful in what you truely want to do. Know that being uncomfortable is only temporary and will come when it’s time for you to grow and will leave once you’ve succeed.

    Like

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