The past week has been a bit of a struggle to get myself to work on something. This weekend I almost took two days off. On Sunday I set up free days for His Grace and I found out that Contract Taken didn’t even make the list of books for the year. Basically had a fifty-fifty chance and still failed.
I did not feel good about myself or my writing. For about six hours I felt like there was no point in even continuing.
Then I remembered it was December.
I chose such a short project for this month because I know I end up in a fragile state. I certainly wasn’t going to do anything rash. The only risky thing I do in December is buy scratch tickets.
I don’t even drink in December, it’s too dangerous with the wringer that work puts me through and the whole being alone thing. I know the holidays are hard and I won’t take that risk.
Monday when I got home from work there was a package waiting for me. A reader had sent me four care packages. That definitely cheered me right up.
I suck, but at least some people love me. This was the first thing I’ve received. Well, and private messages. Those are the new fanmail, right?
Okay, so it didn’t just cheer me right up. I was absolutely elated and told everyone I know. I only ever have bad news.
Bit by bat, ghosted by long term boyfriend, dead computer three times, no water for three weeks, leaking ceiling, mold the landlord won’t fix, raccoons, three noisy neighbours, bedbugs, and now ants.
In the last year.
It’s been a run of bad luck and situational that I haven’t been able to fix given my income. Couldn’t even afford hot chocolate.
And then I found it in the box…
Actually, my first order of business was making apple cider. I was a little disappointed when I discovered I can’t afford to buy more in Canada. Hopefully the prices will go down. Or they’ll go on sale or I’ll find it in a grocery store somewhere.
As I mentioned before, this past week has been… difficult. But not in a usual way.
I’m physically in quite a bit of pain. A cluster of events have left me with an all over ache. But mentally it’s… It’s weird
I can feel that manic energy starting and I can’t recall the last time I felt like this. I don’t know if it’s the events, or adding vitamin D to my diet. Or maybe it’s just because the iron is finally going back to where I need it to be.
Oh yeah, over the last week I’ve been given a bottle of my favourite wine and hooked up with a console for a great price. And then the package showed up on my doorstop.
The survivor of psychological abuse in me is really certain something is going to go horribly wrong. It always does when things go well. That’s the way my life has worked for three decades.
Gifted a computer, the pipes break for almost a month.
Come to think of it, things have been off kilter since I accepted a plane ticket back in September and not necessarily in a bad way.
Well, not in a bad way for all things but writing. It’s been a tough couple of months for sales. Which was part of why I felt like such trash on Sunday when I didn’t even make the list.
Beth says she felt like this too. She ended up walking away/ignoring all things about her books and it worked itself out. When she tried to do something about it, nothing would happen and she got frustrated.
I’m going to do something similar, but I will still be writing. I will edit and publish as I can. But otherwise, I’m going to just stop.
Stop looking at the reports that keep upsetting me. Stop trying to market all over, because it’s not helping. Stop looking for reviews or reviewers. Just stop.
I’ll gather my ego back up and once I feel better and more able, I will jump back in the middle of marketing and all the rest. Until then, I will focus on me and what I like to do.
Writing, editing, and cover making.
Aya DeAniege 