Negativity

The Math teacher is great at getting the class riled up about nothing at all. Not sure if it’s a test, or his actual beliefs. And I don’t care that he makes such comments, he’s an older guy and besides those slip ups he’s a level headed, rational person with a brain between his ears.

I’m not some pitchfork wielding crazy person, is what I’m saying.

And I can’t figure out if it’s herd mentality or the fact that I’m in a classroom of people who have a problem with LGBTQ people basically saying, “I’m here, I’m queer, get over it.”

Mind you, the first time was for two assemblies that overlapped and talked about promoting LGBTQ topics through art. I believe in the movement and everything it stands for, I do not want to sit there for an hour in a lecture from a school that let our student body president say, “well, if you want to pop out some babies, that’s up to you.”

If they let the student body president say that, what are they going to let a guest speaker who will be leaving say. I just felt like it would be an hour of “heteronormatives should all die.”

I’m not heteronormative, but that doesn’t mean I like hearing that kind of thing. I get enough of “you’re breathing, so you should die or kneel at my feet and bask in my glory,” from my people in my past and the one man in the class.

True story, he keeps trying to invite me out alone to places. He does this with every single person. He kept touching the person he sits beside despite her asking him to stop on numerous occasions and the first time he reached for me I snapped at him.

I have knees and know how to use them.

He doesn’t respect boundaries. He calls me darling, hun, but calls everyone else by their names. He’s called me Rachel and some other name, at which point my response was, “I’m sorry, what’s my name?” and he heard how I find it disrespectful of people not to use my proper, legal name.

On Monday when I hurt myself, he overheard me telling my friend about it and then proceeded to command me to call him the next time it snows and he will do it. I informed him that we had a snow guy to do that for us. He commanded me again. I said no.

He said it again and again I said no. By that point we were with other people again and I said no once more and then tried to change the conversation.

He keeps inviting himself to the houses of single women, except none of us have told him where we live. None of us want him showing up and I’ve overheard several people telling him as much.

I think it was Tuesday when he pulled out a card and said, “see, I have first aid. If anyone needs CPR, I will be the one doing it.” and then giggled.

So there’s this whole history of disrespectful behaviour. If he wants to treat others like that and they accept it, fine. Like I said, I’m not some pitchfork wielding maniac. I’m not going to stomp my feet and hold my breath until he’s in a cage or something.

He just can’t do it to me.

It makes me very uncomfortable. In all my years, I have never been in contact with a man for so long who makes me this sort of uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t say no because he’s not listening. I feel like if I say no he’ll just keep going and I’ve never really encountered that before.

I have this tone of voice and posture that basically scares people off.

And it came out yesterday.

We’re having a potluck today. After a day of basically fighting, people being controlling but not offering to actually help, people throwing up barricades to success, we were done class.

Now, the class has leaders and queen bees and those who are solitary and slip into groups and back out again. I mean, it’s a group of individuals. The leaders, I think, have sort of recognized one another and we’re working together and compromising in places.

What’s the difference between a queen bee and a leader? Compromise.

A queen bee got upset because we didn’t want to give something to just one of the teachers, but collected for everyone. The person who brought this forward even gave her credit for the idea. She still looked unhappy.

Anyway, this isn’t about the queen bees.

One of the leaders decided to bring in a table for our potluck. She asked for the sole man’s help moving the little table to make room for her table. Now, she’s a tiny little woman, the little table was almost as big as she was and I couldn’t move it myself. I don’t know why the others couldn’t help.

He agreed but immediately began saying it should go at the back of the room, which would block off the back rows, which I sit in. I’ve been called tiny before. One person claimed if I turn sideways, I’d disappear.

Another person who is in the back row was with a cane until recently. Walking sideways, changing gait, I know that freaking hurts. I’ve been going through it the last two days because my bad hip was aggravated from my stupidity last week.

So, I told him it couldn’t go there because it would block accessibility to the back rows. I didn’t want to point out that this other person would have problems getting back there. I mean, for starters, she’s my friend. Also it’s a dick thing to do. So I generalized. He talked over me and said no, laughing as he did it. I repeated myself and he did it again so I looked him in the eyes and said, “No.

With every drop of my mother’s temper that I could muster up on short notice.

My friend, in the back corner of the room goes, “cranky pants.”

She’s allowed to talk to me that way. We’re friends and she says a lot worse about herself. And, yeah, sometimes I need someone to call me on my shit.

The man (by the way, he is a full-grown man) giggles and says, “cranky pants,” and then as I’m walking away says, “okay *nickname for my legal name*”

I was out the door, I turned back around, walked back into the room and before I knew what I was saying, out came: “I’m sorry. What is my name?

And he giggled again and said my legal name. To which I thanked him with what I’m told is that special rage only a short little woman can ever muster up and I left.

Today he left the classroom before class, then came back and started trash talking our decorated door. The door that me and my friends spent about two hours decorating after no one came up with or offered ideas for. That everyone watched us decorate and offered absolutely no conversation on besides the leaders who agreed it looked adorable and good.

Well, my morning started with him debating whether he should miss English class to go to Walmart or something to redo the door that we spent two hours doing because it’s, “terrible” and “we’re going to lose” and “the other class did much better” and “we shouldn’t have done that.”

Now, there’s no outward reaction from me, as I had my headphones on and I kind of feel like he thinks if I’m wearing headphones I’m oblivious to the world, but that’s only if I get into doing something and focused. Like really focused.

And I’m sitting here trying to figure out if I’m being negative or sexist, or if it’s just the view of a demisexual who’s feeling like someone is ignoring the signs.

Except these aren’t signs. I’ve said no, stop, that’s inappropriate, absolutely not, that’s sexual harassment, you’re making me feel harassed, and no again.

So, you know.

When I say no, quite literally and in about four different ways, that means no. I gave him plenty of warning before I snapped. But still it remains, and I’m probably the only person to sit back and think, “am I overreacting?”

Which has now caused an anxiety attack because I have social anxiety.

Sarcastic yay…

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